A Slayers Fairy Tale


Once upon a time, long, long ago, there was a young boy. His name was Zellerenda. Nobody knows why his parents were so cruel to give him such a name, but they did. In fact nothing is really known about his parents except that they died when he was very young, and Zellerenda was put in the custody of his kindly grandmother, Lady Sylpheel.

Lady Sylpheel was a kind and beautiful priestess, which meant she was very rich, and had access to many a magical research center. Unfortunately, her generous nature made it easy for people to exploit her. Zellerenda understood this, even as a boy, and tried to warn his grandmother when the Great Priest Rezo came a-courting. But Sylpheel misunderstood this as the boy was worried that Sylpheel wouldn't spend time with him, and instead with Rezo's grandchildren. So she disregarded her grandson's warnings.

Eventually, Lady Sylpheel and the Great Priest married. So Zellerendra moved in with them, and had to share a room with Rezo's descendants, Eris and Dilgear, and Rezo's evil goldfish Noonsa. Zellerenda was not impressed, but saw that his grandmother was happy, so he held his tongue. Instead he went outside and practiced swords, while his step-grandfather and step-cousins toiled endlessly in one of his grand-mother's labs.

Sadly, one day the Lady Sylpheel died of mysterious causes. Upon returning home from the funeral, Rezo immediately took over the house. Poor Zellerenda was forced to sleep in the broom closet. Even the evil goldfish Noonsa was treated better then him.

Years past and Zellerenda worked very hard at his training, but never succeeded very much. His only consolation was in his kindly cat Zolf, and his gentle dog Rodimus. Zellerenda grew up to be very depressed.

But Rezo was worried. When Zellerenda grew up, he might try to claim his fortune, which Lady Sylpheel had left for him. That meant that Rezo could no longer use the labs to work on a cure for his blindness and his grandson's hairiness. So he devised a plan to make sure Zellerenda could not claim the money.

Rezo approached Zellerenda one day while he was practicing. He offered Zellerenda power. Now, Zellerenda knew better to except anything from the old goat, so he refused. This displeased Rezo very much, so he backed up time, and put a spell on Zellerenda to make him agree to it. Before Zellerenda knew what happened, Rezo turned him into a really ugly boulder. But Rezo felt bad about this, because Zellerenda had refused initially, so he turned him into a pretty damn sexy boulder-man. This worked just as well, since no one would be able to recognize Zellerenda now, and he would still get to keep his butler.

Zellerenda was disheartened by this turn of events. On multiple occasions, he attempted to kill himself. But no matter how many cleaning products from the broom closet he ingested, he could not die. So Zellerenda, the once depressed human, handsome boy became the angsty, sexy boulder-man.


Not to far away, but far enough that they were not aware of this transpiring, was a castle. It was a large castle, with very tacky gargoyles jutting out from the sides. Inside this castle resided the great king of Sailoon, Gourry, and his very greedy obnoxious wife, Martina.

Now, Martina decided one day that there weren't enough jewels in the jewel room. She figured she could probably get a few more if she sold off her daughter to the highest bidder. Lina, the royal advisor, despite her dislike of the princess, and her willingness to get her hands on some more jewels too, decided this was a bad idea. King Gourry thought they should have a royal disco and the princess could choose a husband there. Then they would get married and live happily ever after. Martina didn't see where she could get more money out of this, but since it was always a bad idea to disagree with the king when he was having an idea, (no one likes seeing big blond men cry), she agreed to it. Then they had a little party to celebrate the princess' upcoming wedding.

The Princess Amelia was not as enthused. In fact, she was downright non-plussed about the whole situation. She didn't mind getting married of course, she was the heir, she had to do that, it was just that she really hated discos.


Later that evening, the royal guards sent out letter to everyone in the kingdom so they could come to the ball. Rezo's Grand-children received one as well. But since Eris was a girl, and Dilgear was still very hairy, Rezo decided he couldn't send either one of them. And since neither him or Noonsa liked discos, he chucked the letter in the garbage can. But since we all know he can't see, he missed the garbage can and the letter landed in Zellerenda's lap. Zellerenda hated discos as well, but any excuse to get of the house was a good excuse.

So after Rezo and family left for their weekly game of poker at Lord Shabranigdo's, Zellerenda started to get ready to leave. Regrettably, Zellerenda only had beige clothing, and you can't disco in that. So Zellerenda sat outside instead, and wished he could go to the party.

Suddenly, in a purple flash of light, a fruity looking young man appeared before him. Zellerenda eyed him for a few moments before inquiring as to what he wanted.

The Fruitcake with wings grinned sadistically, and announced that he was Xelloss, Zellerenda's Fairy God-Mazoku, and that he had been sent by L-Sama to help him get to the disco. Zellerenda had but to time to raise his eyebrow before him beige clothing had been transformed into proper party attire. Zellerenda was vaguely impressed. With a wave of his hands, the Fairy God-Mazoku transformed Zolf the cat into a carriage, and Rodimus the dog into a horse. Zellerenda was very pleased, except the glass shoes really chaffed. But hey, don't look a gift horse in the mouth! Xelloss smiled even more brightly at him, and told him to have fun, but please be back before midnight. Zellerenda asked him why, but the only answer he received was "Sore was himitsu desu..."

Zellerenda shrugged the comment off, then proceed to drive his carriage to the castle, it mewing all the way.


The Princess Amelia was not enjoying the party. Disco part aside, all the men were ugly, the drinks were all flat, and Lina must have helped prepare the meals. Miserable, Amelia plopped down onto one of the over-stuffed chairs. She barely even paid attention when the door was creaked open and someone announced the arrival of a Lord Zellerenda. Truthfully, she only looked up because she found the name so amusing. Standing in the door way was a man like she had never seen before. Which is the truth, considering this was her first boulder-man. Taking only a moment first to wipe the drool off her face, she ran up the flight of stairs to greet him.

Zellerenda walked down the stairs of the palace and was greeted with the most beautiful sight he had ever seen. Sidestepping the hand the princess had proffered for him to kiss, Zellerenda continued down the stairs, where upon he promptly begged the royal advisor for a dance.

Lina was extremely flattered, but since the princess had obviously developed a thing for the young man, and she did not want to loose her job, she sorrowfully turned him down. Depressed, Zellerenda had a few of the flat drinks before finally asking the princess for a dance. Despite his earlier inattention, Amelia was thrilled and agreed instantly. Before the dance was even over, she announced that this was the man she would marry.

Hearing this, Zellerenda had a quick debate in his mind about weather or not marrying the princess would be better then living out the rest of his days with Rezo. His mind flopped back and forth between yes and no multiple times, but it was on no when the clock struck midnight. Going with his current decision, Zellerenda fled the building. But his horribly chaffing glass shoes were slowing him down. So he kicked them off and just made it out of sight before his apparel once again turned beige. Cheerless, he trudged home.


Whimpering, the Princess Amelia cradled Zellerenda's shoe. The Princess was wretched, but the royal advisor had to force herself to keep from smiling. King Gourry felt very sorry for his daughter, and the Queen was depressed as well, but that's just because she figured Zellerenda was probably very rich, what with his spiffy disco outfit and all.

But the princess had a wondrous plan! They would search all through the kingdom, and whatever man fit this shoe, would be her husband! Well, she though it was a wondrous plan. The royal advisor, of course, had a better plan. Why not just look for a blue man? How hard could that be? But the royals failed to see the logic in this, so Amelia went on with her plan. But the shoe fit another man long before they ever made it to Zellerenda's house, and so she had to marry him instead.

Exasperated, Lina went on with her plan.

It worked. Well, duh. How hard did you think it would be to find a boulder-man anyway?

The hard part was trying to think of an excuse for going after him. So she returned the glass shoe, but that was rather pointless since Zellerenda didn't want it because it gave him a blister. So instead they had a nice heart to heart about life, and in the end Lina decided to kill Rezo for Zellerenda since she thought he was a real jerk. After that, the two went on a quest for his cure which he probably could have found in one of Rezo's labs, but that's beside the point.

And they lived basically happily ever after, then end.


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