Murderer


Dearest Diary,

It was my fault he died. All my fault. I was the one who wanted to go back. If I wasn't such a little girl, I wouldn't have had to go home first. My fault he died. If I had just grown up, I wouldn't have had to tell him where I was going, and he wouldn't have died. No one in Sairagg would have. That fight wouldn't have happened. Gods... I'm a murderer.

How do the others live knowing they've killed? Berzerkers and trolls are one thing, but both Lina and Zelgadis have killed innocents. How do they walk around and act as though nothing has happened? Do they cry themselves to sleep at night like I do? Hiding their hands under the pillows so they don't see the blood on them?

Writing seems to be the only way to get this out. I want to talk to someone, but who? Lina? No. She can kill without thinking about it. Besides, she wouldn't understand how lonely I am without Papa. I don't think she had a very happy relationship with her parents. Zelgadis? After what he said after I killed Papa... He was right, of course. Always the voice of reason. That's why he couldn't help. Emotions and the like are such unreasonable things, I think he may have abandoned them all together. Amelia? She's so sweet, but she wouldn't be able to grasp the fact that I am a murderer. She would say it was only survivor's guilt. But I know I killed them.... killed him. And that only leaves my dear Gourry. As much as I love him, as loving and gentle that he is, as much as I know he would me through this, I can't go to him. Tell him, of all people, the truth that I am a murderer? No. The pain of this is even is better than telling him that.

So I will suffer alone. I guess this is my punishment for all the lives that I ended. I'm growing up now, it wouldn't happen again... but now it's to late. Papa, Sairagg, I'm sorry. I'm sorry U had to go back. I'm sorry I got you all killed.

Truly,
Slypheel


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