Control. I have to maintain control.
Oh, Lina-chan would laugh at me if she could hear my mental reprimand. I'm sure they all think I'm null and void in the self control department. The truth is, I don't know what I might have done to them by now if I hadn't learned to keep my composure. Anger seethes so close beneath the surface of my calm as it does in all Mazoku. I have to control myself all the time, or the results could be... messy.
I seat myself cross-legged in front of a mirror, and breathe in, deeply and slowly. I have to regain composure. Let all of it out with each breath. As always, I start from the bottom, and work my way up.
Small things. Gourry's unending stupidity, his inability to think of anything other than his stomach. His faulty memory, and his damned sudden bursts of insight. They worry me most of all. What could he suddenly deduce without warning? His very presence irks me, but if I were to remove him the group dynamics would shift. Breathe out.
More small things. Breathe in. Amelia. I think that says it all. At least when she's annoying she's hilarious. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Zelgadis. My hands tighten around my staff where it rests across my knees. Amelia and Gourry I can nearly dismiss, but not him. Damn him! What does he know?! He's one third Mazoku, but what does that tell him, how much of our nature does he understand? The anger, I'm sure. The need for control. His mask slips far more often than mine does, but his control is quite admirable in one so young. Breathe out.
Breathe in. He hates me. That's good, as it powers me, but it also presents problems... He holds Lina back, keeps her passions at bay, serves as the voice of reason. Ah, Zelgadis, does your rock golem side calm the hot Mazoku blood? How hard is it for you, with your human heart and Mazoku passions? Do you have to do the same thing I'm doing now? Clear your head and release your anger? When I was younger I took my anger out on others in... unpleasant ways. Do you slam your fists into walls and trees trying to work out the hatred that boils up at the tiniest slight? Do you feel the pain that creates, do you relish the agony as the anger slowly seeps away? Breathe out.
Breathe in. You coveted power, Zelgadis. Naughty boy. Didn't anyone ever tell you about power, and what it does to a man? Power corrupted your body and soul, and the only thing that reassures you that you're not a complete monster is that you hate your existence, and wish the power gone. Too little, too late, Zel-kun. Breathe out.
Breathe in. I know a little something about coveting power, Zelgadis. You got your power, and it corrupted you. I got nearly absolute power... And with it comes startlingly detached vision. I see everything I do as a bystander might, and instead of wanting to fix it, I just smile. Is that absolute corruption? Knowing the evil you do, and doing it anyway? Breathe out.
Breathe in. I used to worry that I was insane. Then I realized it didn't matter if the power had cracked my mind. Wouldn't I still be acting the same way, but out of fear of Zelas instead of enjoyment of the act? Better to leave everything the way it is. Maybe. Sometimes my past before Zelas is fuzzy. I don't doubt that it was an intentional move on her part, doing that to me. Judging by what I can recall from so long ago, it was probably a strange sort of kindness on her part that made her blur my memories. I can feel the anger rushing back. Don't think about it! Breathe out.
Breathe in. And then, there's Lina. I swallow deeply and shut my eyes again. She doesn't understand what she is, doesn't understand the extent of the power that she holds... She could be the end of everything I've ever known, or she could be the best thing that ever happened to my side. I giggle slightly at that. My side. That's funny. When have I ever done anything that didn't benefit me in some way? Even as I follow Zelas's orders I do it in my own way. She doesn't care, so long as the job gets done. You should care, Zelas. It's dangerous when you stop caring. Breathe out.
Breathe in. The giggling dies away, and I frown slightly. Laughter is good. It keeps us sane, or at least happy. Some of us are a little late for sanity. Not me, of course, but happy is better than angry. You have to find the humor in everything, or everything draws out the anger and hatred in you. Lina and Zelgadis would probably look a bit more favorably on my little pranks if they knew that they were a socially acceptable alternative to peeling off someone's flesh in strips. I giggle again as I imagine what Lina might say if I presented her with that choice. Ah, better yet, what would Zelgadis say? Breathe out.
Breathe in. It's not as though I do much, including play pranks, without a purpose behind it. I don't act on whim. Acting without thinking is dangerous, and stupid besides. I learned that long ago. Had it rather severely beaten into my skull as a matter of fact. It's not often that one of the dark lords expends the energy to turn a human into a Mazoku, but when it's done, there's a period of training that accompanies the transformation... Even when you're the General and the Priest to one of the five... My breath catches on the release. Just... Breathe out.
Breathe in. I think I'm okay now. The mask is firmly back in place. I'm getting better at this every decade. Way back when it might have taken me, oh, I don't know, four hours to do what I just did in a few minutes. I smile. I know I'm different from the rest of the Mazoku, the stupid, raging beasts. They can't do this, period. They know I'm different from them, but they probably wouldn't say better. They undoubtedly think I've just mellowed with age. What a stupid, stupid assumption to make, silly Mazoku. Still, they show a sort of grudging respect for me, at least where they think Zelas and I can see. Breathe out.
I rise and pick up my shirt where I left if folded on the bed. I frown slightly as Lina raps on the door and immediately walks in. Well, at least she gave warning this time. Sort of. It shows a modicum of improvement, I suppose. She stops and blushes, but I don't let any of my annoyance show on my face. "Do you need something, Lina?" I ask, leering slightly.
She turns a brighter shade of red, and attempts to look nonchalant, as though she hadn't just walked in on me half-naked. "I uh... I... no," she finishes quietly. "I... I just wanted to let you know that the rest of us are going to find somewhere to eat, and I thought I'd let you know in case you wanted... to come with us?"
"Why, what a lovely idea, Lina-san!" I exclaim, guiding her toward the door. "I'll be right down, just wait a moment, hm?" I push her into the hallway and shut the door. I don't have to fake enthusiasm. This should be loads of fun. My delight at making her uncomfortable overrides my annoyance at her rudeness. Good. That's balance.
I pull on my shirt, and consider the best way to let the others know that Lina's been spending some time around me when both of us weren't fully clothed.
Dinner should be fun.