Have you ever felt your mind slip...?
Tell you something boys and girls: I am no longer strictly sane. Oh, some would argue that I've never been anything but bonkers, but even if that were the case I can still honestly say that I am not as stable as I once was. I think I've managed to hold onto my marbles fairly well over the years and that in itself is pretty impressive but I can't deny that things are starting to come untethered.
It's quite a strange sensation, having one's sanity slip away like an elusive spring breeze. I'm not a raving lunatic, not yet anyway, but I'm starting to come unhinged a little. I guess it's understandable, given my age and all, but it's also quite disconcerting. You have no idea... I can almost tangibly feel my mind grotesquely slip sometimes; disclosing a frightening tear in my soul where Nothing swirls in lazy black loops.
It's hard to hang onto your wits after years and years of a constant bombardment of sensation. Mazoku don't really need sleep you know so life is a continuous assault on the brain with not so much as a brief respite. I'm starting to see what happened to Deep Sea...
I don't even remember how old I am anymore.
L-Sama herself must be quite mad by this point. Of course, that is chaotic so it probably suits her just fine. All the old gods are nuts you know and it isn't any wonder. Even my Mistress isn't all there anymore. I've seen her staring out at the sea sometimes, her eyes far away and her lips moving soundlessly. Once I heard her murmur something about joining her sister in madness and when she looked up and saw me there I retreated quickly because there was no recognition in her eyes at all. At that moment she could have killed me and not even realised what she was doing until it was too late. Another time I saw her biting herself, savaging her own flesh and when she stopped she looked lost and confused. I slipped away quickly and silently, heart pounding staccato in my chest. Not my Mistress, the only light left for me... Who cares if the light is black?
I wonder if the remainders of the Ryuzoku are experiencing this phenomenon as well?
I think one of the reasons I've stayed relatively mentally sound so long is my penchant for playing with mortals. Their lives never cease to amuse me and sometimes there's a surprise or two. Of course, the one drawback to these quaint playthings is that they all die eventually. Even the most skilled of sorcerers is still mortal, although they live a very long time by human standards. To Mazoku even the life of a sorcerer seems pathetically short. I haven't been hanging around with humans lately and I wonder if maybe that could be why I've started to notice this weird crack in my sanity. Perhaps if I went back to playing around with them I'd feel better. It's always been the best fun to tease them and watch their reactions you know. I remember one group in particular that kept me tickled for years! Now, what was the name of the swordsman...?
Garry? Was that it?
Ahh, no matter. I'll never forget the sorceress, my fair Lina Inverse. She could have lived forever, but I suppose it was her destiny to die violently. I can still call up the image of her beautiful little face if I really try, although the picture is starting to fade a little with memory. I don't want that to happen, I don't want to forget her. I can forget everyone else in the world, but not her, please L-sama.... I remember the blood and the sweet stench of death and the chimera shaking his head and the grey sky, overcast with black clouds.... I remember crying and... and....
Dammit, why is it all so fuzzy?!!
Everything is strange now. Magic is less common now, and people are starting to doubt the existence of my kind. That's not so bad. Better for the cattle not to know they're being hunted anyway.
I remember now. There WAS blood, a lot of it, but it was mine, not hers. Black sky above and a raw bolt of the darkest energy any of the worlds has ever seen.... She shook her head and I fell over...
No, that's not right either.
Did I kill her? Did she kill me?
Secrets, secrets, little Xelloss, ones you don't know and cannot fathom.
I kissed her. I know that. Soft lips like petals beneath mine, blooming moistly to allow the worm entrance. Rot caused by me... Corruption.
Don't you know Mazoku can't love? Love makes us ill; therefore we cannot feel it. We only cause pain.
She always wanted the Hikari no Ken and she finally got it in the end, although only to sheathe it in her own body. Because of me...
That's not right. Then what is?
Secret.
All I know for sure is that I'm sitting here in this blackness alone and my mind is thudding inside my skull and I hate everything and I can't remember where my smile got to. I want to play with the humans, but none of them are her. So I'll wait, since history always repeats itself, right? I'm waiting for you Lina, for whenever you come back...
I had another name once. What was it?
I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know
Maybe it's a secret.