Dorothy, Noonza, Zelgadis the Stone Woodsman, Amelia the Cowardly Justice Freak and Gourry the Brainless Crow-Scaring-Guy arrived back at the Amethyst City, bringing with them Rezo the wicked Witch of the West's staff with them as proof that they did in fact kill the nutbag. The whacked-out gatekeeper let them in without a fuss this time, as he was considerably humbled since the Brainless Crow-Scaring-Guy had beaten the living snot out of him. (Also, the Crow-Scaring-Guy's phallic sword was way bigger than his own.) [1]
Dorothy and her friends marched up to the Wizard's throne room and barged in without knocking. [2] The place was empty, but a large, booming voice rang out as soon as they entered: "WHO THE HELL KEEPS INTERRUPTING ME IN THE SHOWER?!"
"It's us again!" Dorothy shouted. "We killed your stupid witch."
The Voice was silent. Then it spoke again, sounding unsure and surprised: "YOU KILLED THE WITCH? ARE YOU SURE?"
Dorothy grimaced. "Yes, I'm SURE. He looked pretty dead to me, anyway!"
"DID YOU TAKE A PULSE?"
Dorothy began to foam at the mouth, so the Cowardly Justice Freak shied away. "A PULSE? He was nothing but a pile of goo!!!"
"THEN MAYBE HE'S NOT DEAD." The Voice sounded smug.
Dorothy started to go ballistic, so the rest of her friends had to hold her down. At last, the Stone Woodsman looked up. [3] "We brought back his staff as proof. Now you must hold true to your bargain and grant us that which we desire."
"NO."
"What?" all of the party asked in slack-jawed disbelief.
"Why not?" The Cowardly Justice Freak asked in tiny voice.
"I HAVE A HEADACHE. [4] COME BACK TOMORROW."
"Like HELL we will!" Dorothy screamed. Her friends had to hold her back again. Meanwhile, nobody noticed that Noonza had wandered off and was trotting over to a purple curtain that was set up in the corner of the room. [5]
Noonza began tugging at the curtain, and the Voice started to panic. "HEY, GET YOUR WEIRD MUTATED FISH AWAY FROM THERE!"
"Why?" asked Dorothy, now quite interested.
"SORE WA HIMITSU DESU," replied the Voice, but it sounded nervous. "NOW DO WHAT I SAY, FOR I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ!!"
Suddenly, in a flash of purple cloth, the curtain fell, revealing a man hunched over a weird machine. [6]
"PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT AMAZINGLY GOOD-LOOKING MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN!" commanded the Voice, but Dorothy wasn't fooled. She walked over and clubbed the man a good one on the head.
"You're the Wizard, aren't you?" the Stone Woodsman inquired. [7]
"Yes," admitted the strange man with the purple hair. He sighed deeply. "You see, I come from Dorothy's world. I was a stuntman in a circus, and it was my gig to get shot out of a cannon. One day I wondered what would happen if I put a lot more powder in the cannon, and then BOOM! Here I landed. The people here thought I was some kind of Wizard, and I just kept on letting them think that. They gave me a pretty cushy place to live in anyway."
"You just kept fooling them for years?" the Cowardly Justice Freak asked in horror.
"Well, yes."
"You're a, a, a, a TRICKSTER!" shouted the Cowardly Justice Freak. [8]
"You're a bumhug!" shouted the Brainless Crow-Scaring-Guy. [9]
"So I suppose this means you can't help any of us," the Stone Woodsman said, unable to hide his disappointment. The Wizard stood up tall.
"I never said THAT. I can most certainly help you!" He turned to the Cowardly Justice Freak. "Don't you see that by coming along to the Amethyst City and facing the Wicked Witch of the west you possess amazing courage? You never even wet yourself!"
The Cowardly Justice Freak blushed and looked at her feet. The Stone Woodsman moved away a few steps.
"Oooo-kay," said the Wizard. "Well, you're still brave. Here! An authentic 'bravery' medal!" he hung it about the girl's neck, carefully hiding the words 'Made in China' that was printed on the back. He then turned to the Brainless Crow-Scaring-Guy. "And you," he began. "You must have brains to have been able to find your way here without getting killed!" The Crow-Scaring-Guy just stared blankly. The Wizard sighed. "Forget it. Who needs brains? You've got good looks and a big-ass sword!" The Brainless one smiled happily at that.
The Wizard turned to the Stone Woodsman. "It's great to be made out of stone!" he cried, then whispered quietly: "You're always hard, get it? The ladies'll go nuts." The Stone Woodsman started to protest... thought about it... and grinned.
"But what about me?" Dorothy, ever selfish, asked. The Wizard scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Hmmm... I think I have just the thing. Come back tomorrow."
The next day......
Dorothy and the Wizard stood out in the main square of the Amethyst City, a really big cannon at their side. The Wizard had decided he would like to return to Kansas with Dorothy and start a used car-dealership, you see. [10]
"My dear subjects," the Wizard called out. "I'm leaving the city in the capable hands of Gourry! The Crow-Scaring Guy!" The crowd cheered.
"You forgot to mention he's brainless," Dorothy reminded him.
"Feh. Serves em right if they just let me hand the throne over to anybody, anyway. Let's go!"
The Wizard climbed into the cannon, and so did Dorothy. However, Noonza, the little bastard, ran away at the last second, so Dorothy jumped out of the cannon to get him. [11] BOOM! Off went the Wizard, sailing inot the sky and out of sight. [12]
"Oh no!" wailed Dorothy. "How am I to get home?"
Suddenly, tinkly music started playing again. [13] POOF! Glinda appeared out of Nowhere!
"Ohh Dorothy, you have had the power to get home all along!" Glinda informed the poor girl. "Those shoes of yours will take you back. Just click your heels together three times and say 'Ray Wing.' Got it?"
"You mean to say," Dorothy said as her fist clenched. "That this whole trip was for NOTHING?!!"
"Essentially, yeah."
Dorothy proceeded to beat the living snot out of Glinda. Afterwards, she bade farewell to her new friends and clicked her heels together three times. "RAY-WING!" she shouted, and off she went.
Dorothy went back home to Kansas and used her newfound magic powers to become a rather infamous terrorist, and she lived out the rest of her days rich and comfortable. The Wizard became a very successful con-artist. Back in Oz, King Gourry ruled justly, with the aid of his police chief Amelia. Zangalus the gatekeeper still has some sort of Freudian problem. Zel got lots of babes. Oh yes, Noonza was eaten.
The End.
Mercifully.