Zel closed yet another useless book and placed it on the very tall stack of other useless books to his left. Perhaps someone else might think that a spell to open a gate to the Sea of Chaos was important but if it wasn't directly related to a means to reverse his chimera condition, Zel wasn't interested. Maybe if he was really desperate he might later consider confronting the Lord of Nightmares herself but he'd better have a damn good reason and his will completed.
He picked up another book.
"101 ways to gain immortality. Method one, become a Mazoku. Pros: You get lots of power and get to torture and kill all the people you hate. Cons: There are cons?"
Zel looked back at the author.
"Xelloss Metallium."
Zel snorted and tossed the book into the discard pile. He was reaching for another book when he heard a faint ringing. Probably someone calling for room service. Zel looked at the next book.
"The Cookbook for Dumbies," Zel read aloud and then squinted to read the fine print. "Unless you're Xelloss in which case even this book couldn't help you."
Zel smirked and the discard pile grew one book bigger. And there was still that incessant ringing sound. It was getting on his nerves. Listening to it a bit, he realized that it wasn't coming from outside but from deeper in the library. Zel grumbled to himself and stood up to seek out the source of the annoyance. A downside of enhanced hearing is that there is a greater range of sounds that can annoy you.
Winding through the tall oak bookshelves, Zel found himself in another hidden niche like the one he so recently vacated. One whole bookshelf was bare, all of its books used to build a circular wall on the ground. The ringing was coming from there. Zel walked over to the wall of books, easily looking into it to find...nothing. There was nothing there.
Zel rocked back on his heels. He was sure he heard the ringing coming from there.
Someone tapped on his left shoulder.
Zel looked to his right. This was beginning to look like the work of a certain annoying and soon to be very dismembered Mazoku.
But there was no one there.
Zel was losing his temper.
And that damn ringing was back!
Zel whirled around toward the wall of books ready to knock whoever it was through the wall...and came nose to red nose with a clown who was leering at him. At least, that was what it looked like to Zelgadiss.
"Little boy want a balloon?" the clown asked in a bouncy voice.
Now few people know that Zel suffers from a phobia of clowns.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
Zel went warp speed in the opposite direction. Right into a bookshelf. Causing it to fall and bury him under a pile of books.
Lina who was reclining in the library reading a dissertation about the possibility of combining White and Black magic looked up at the sound of the scream.
"Damn it, this is a library," Lina muttered, slipping a bookmark into her book and stalking off to find the noisy offender.
Zel surfaced, rubbing his head. Some of those books were thick, heavy, and had a metal cover. A bright flicker of light caught in his peripherial vision. Zel looked over to see standing right at his nose was a Chibi-Gourry but what really caught his attention was the blazing Sword of Light in its hands.
The doll grinned. "Need a shave?"
Zel, still not over his first reaction to the clown and with being faced with a weapon that could very well kill him, reacted as expected. He screamed, scrambled out of the pile of books, and ran.
Lina was approaching the danger zone. "I'm going to Fireball his - "
Zel collided into her. Caught up in his terror, he grabbed onto the nearest warm person, which was Lina in this case, and buried his head in her head sobbing in fear. Lina, needless to say but it will be said anyway, was stunned. So stunned that she didn't even turn red.
"Z-Zel...?" Lina stammered at the trembling chimera. What was wrong with him? She couldn't make out his answer, muffled by his sobbing and her hair. Lina sighed and manuevered a bit to face him. Cupping his chin, she forced him to look at her.
"Now tell me, what's wrong?" Lina said, mimicking an old gesture her sister used to use to calm Lina down when they were very young.
"C-cl-cl-" Zel stuttered.
"Spit it out."
"Cl-clown," Zel barely said before grabbing onto her again.
"There, there," Lina soothed, smoothing Zel's hair.
Just what are you doing? Chibi-Lina asked, tapping her foot.
Lina blinked and then punched Zelgadiss to the ground, in the process hurting her fist. "You're afraid of CLOWNS?!?"
Zel sat up rubbing his head, knocked out of his hysteria. "Well...it was a very big clown," he defended sullenly.
Lina snorted and picked up her fallen book.
"And there was this doll wielding a Sword of Light right in front of my face," Zel protested.
"How could anyone much less a doll have the Sword of Light?" Lina rolled her eyes. "Even I haven't been able to get it away from Gourry."
"But...but..."
But Lina was already storming out of the library.
"Of everyone I thought he was the most stable," Lina muttered.
The doll peeked out into the hallway from the door Lina left conveniently open. Oh the chimera being afraid of clowns...that was an unexpected but pleasant surprise. Chibi-Gourry had chosen the perfect partner-in-crime with the clown. Skipping down the hallway, Chibi-Gourry tried to decide who to play with next.
"Halt villian!"
Chibi-Gourry looked at the rounded tip of a play sword pointed at his head. He followed the fake blade up to its wielder, some thin-as-a-twig green-haired kid.
"You will not escape the wrath of Jeffrey Mailstar, the greatest knight in the world!" Jeffrey crowed, weaving his blunt sword in a complicated gesture that only succeeded in causing him to lose his balance and hit himself on the head. He fell to the floor, stars circling his head.
The doll blinked. "What an absolute total moronic loser. I didn't even have to lift a finger!"
"WHAT DID YOU CALL MY DARLING JEFFREY!!!!!"
Chibi-Gourry looked up only to see darkness descending.
Josephine's warhammer dug into the floor with the force of her swing. "I will punish those who dare to demean the greatness of my Jeffrey. You shall...shall..."
Josephine lost her steam as she looked at her warhammer. There wasn't anyone underneath it. She looked around the hallway. It wasn't possible that she had missed. She picked up her warhammer and inspected the indention on the ground. Nothing there either. Shouldering her weapon, she wondered if she could have been mistaken.
Unnoticed, a very flat Chibi-Gourry slid off of the flat end of the warhammer and fell slowly to the ground.
Jeffrey shook away the stars and looked up at his "rescuer". "Why you're that...."
"Hohoho," Josephine laughed nervously edging away. "Don't mind me. I'm just a tourist passing through..." she said as she vanished.
"Bye bye, tourist," Jeffrey waved and turned around to leave. Except that he stepped on his fallen blade, tripped, slammed his head into the wall, and entered dreamland again.
That was the state of things when the clown holding a handful of balloons arrived. He knelt next to his master/partner who was pretending to be a paper doll.
"Don't just stand there idiot," Chibi-Gourry squeaked flatly. "Fill me up."
Obediently, the clown opened one of his balloons and stuck the end into the doll's mouth. Following the laws of diffusion, helium flowed from the balloon into the doll. It took half of the clown's balloons to fill up Chibi-Gourry to his satisfaction.
"Okay," Chibi-Gourry squeaked. "Damn it how can I be scary and intimidating with this high squeaky voice? Stupid helium. Now pick me up. We need to find the next victim."
The clown picked him up in one poofy gloved hand and began walking down the hallway. And who should they run into but nice innocent Sylphiel.
"Good evening Mister Clown," Sylphiel smiled gracefully and then looked at the doll in his hand. "Ohhh how cute! It's a little doll of Gourry-sama!! Can I have it?"
The clown looked at its master. But since master was playing doll he couldn't say anything. And since the clown couldn't think of any reason why she couldn't have it, he handed the doll over to her.
"Why thank you Mister Clown," Sylphiel squealed, cuddling the adorable thing. Chibi-Gourry was smothered. He couldn't even draw out his Sword of Light.
"Got...to...get...away..." Chibi-Gourry squeaked breathlessly.
"Oh, it even talks!" Sylphiel grinned and squeezed the doll again.
The doll rolled its eyes and spoke, "Hi my name is Chibi-Gourry."
Sylphiel giggled and squeezed the toy again.
"I'm going to kill you if you do that again."
Sylphiel, not hearing the warning, squeezed the doll again. After all, it did have such an interesting dialogue.
"I'm going to...to..." Chibi-Gourry tried to move his arm to pull out his sword. "Errr could you move your finger a bit? I can't reach my sword."
"Certainly," Sylphiel obliged.
"Thank you," Chibi-Gourry squeaked (he had taken in quite a bit of helium) and summoned forth the light blade. "Now you will die!!"
"Hey Sylphiel!"
WHACK!!
Chibi-Gourry flew into the wall, thrown aside by Sylphiel at the sound of Gourry's voice. She looked in adoration at Gourry who was suddenly by her side. "Gourry-sama..."
"What are you doing here?" Gourry smiled dumbly.
"Well...that is I..."
Sylphiel wasn't about to tell him that she had been wandering around the inn hoping to run into him. She fiddled with her cape.
"I...I was still hungry so I was going to go downstairs for a snack," she made up an excuse.
"Really? I could go for something to eat too. Can you make that yellow cream cake like you did five years ago?" Gourry was nearly drooling with the thought.
"Of...of course. I'm sure the cook will let me use the kitchen," Sylphiel agreed, nearly faint with happiness that Gourry could actually remember something.
"Great!" Gourry grabbed Sylphiel's arm and lead the way.
Sylphiel sighed. After all, the way to a man's heart was through his stomach.
The doll weakly slid down the wall. "Don't...mind...me..."
A little later, somewhere else in the inn, someone was taking a shower. It was a hot steamy shower that filled the shower room with lots of steam. The occupant was loudly singing off key to himself. He never noticed the shadow on the other side of the shower curtain. Or the strange Psycho music pumping out of the hidden speakers but that is another story. The shadow raised up its arm...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
"O-HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
Lina sighed and readjusted her earplugs as various patrons of the inn ran screaming for their lives out of the building. Naga was a really good way to empty the house. Perhaps they should use her laughing in fire alarms. At least with Lina's earplugs, the ear-shattering laugh was muffled to low rumbling. It also helped that Naga was half a building away.
Naga the White Serpent laughed and bounced her way through the corridors of Xanadu. She loved the way her laughter echoed and multiplied through the hall. Her reputation surely had preceded her as people would jump out of windows or slam their doors shut when she came by. They all feared the great Naga-sama, the most beautiful and powerful rival of Lina Inverse.
"O-HOHOHOHOHO!!"
"Shut your trap already, trollop."
Naga stopped, but kept right on laughing and bouncing, nose high in the air. "O-HOHOHOHO! A sure sign of jealousy that you aren't all powerful and all beautiful like me."
The person snorted. "Let's see how all powerful and all beautiful you are after I slice you to ribbons."
Naga looked down, way down, at her challenger. "Hmph. What can you do to this Naga-sama?"
There was a blazing blade of light as tall as herself before her. But that wasn't what she was looking at. It was the wielder of the blade. The very small wielder of the blade. The very blood-drenched wielder of the blade.
"Oh...blood...I'm so delicate...I'll faint now..."
And saying so, she promptly crumpled to the ground.
The doll, holding the sword high above its head, looked at the sorceress. "It's no fun if she isn't awake. Who ever heard of an adventurer who fainted at the sight of blood? Damn it I need a bath."
He walked back to the room whose occupant was now only a bloody mess in the shower.
"Hey clown," Chibi-Gourry called. "Put me in the sink so I can wash off."
And as Chibi-Gourry cleaned off the blood, he tried to figure out who to do next.
"Ahem," Amelia coughed to clear her throat, adjusted her glasses and looked at the speech she had written. "Brightly burning in the night, the Star of Justice is in my sight, its strength will add to my holy might, to ensure that all wrongs are put right!"
"Yes that has the right tone," Amelia nodded to herself. She hugged the piece of paper. "It's just so beautiful!"
She added it to the five foot high stack of speeches next to her desk. "Now I just need to finish ten more before I'll have a whole new repetoire."
Chibi-Gourry exchanged sweatdrops with the clown, both of them hiding in the closet of Amelia's room. To think she actually sat down and wrote those crazy justice speeches of hers and then memorized them so she'd have something to say. Which was scarier? That or if she actually made them up on the spot.
"Justice is like a weapon, wielded by evil, it will spread evil, but wielded by good, it cleaves evil at its roots," Amelia read that aloud. "Hmmm...I don't like the weapon reference but it has the right idea."
"Justice is simply one of man's rationalization for his selfish actions," Chibi-Gourry intoned through a megaphone to add depth to the menacing tone he was using.
"Who's there?" Amelia demanded, leaping from her chair. But since it was pulled into the desk, her knee slammed into the underside of the table and she tumbled backward over the chair, landing head first on the ground. "Owwww. I haven't fallen like that for some time."
"You who claim to fight for Justice," the doll mocked. "What right do you have to force your false beliefs on others?"
"My beliefs are true!" Amelia retorted, looking around the room for the source of the voice. "The people accept my beliefs freely."
"Is that before or after you've pummeled them into soup?"
"I..."
"And what makes you think that you're the only person that knows what's best for everyone else? Sounds more like a tyrant to me."
"Of...of course I know what's best. As the first princess of the Crown Prince of Saillune - "
"And what is a princess? What makes you any different from the begger in the street? Or from the whore in the brothel? Admit it, you've never even given those kinds of people a thought much less help."
"Well I..."
"And those bandits you're always blowing up, ever wonder why they're stealing from other people for a living?"
"Because they're evil!" Amelia said triumphantly, finally able to answer something with confidence.
"What about the people who have lost everything because some justice-obsessed person destroyed their home while chasing a suspected criminal? Or the people who were repressed and ignored by those with wealth and power and had no other means to live?"
"I..."
"And the company you keep. Do any of them really believe in all this justice junk you spout day in day out? Or do they just tune you out, letting you follow only because it's too much trouble to drive you away?"
"I..."
"And what's with Blast Ash and Dynast Brass? You call yourself a white magic sorceress? A priestess? And you actually dare to cast black magic? You call on a Mazoku Lord's power? Excuse me but can we say hypocrite?"
Amelia was surrounded by a heavy dark aura.
"Then there's the matter of that Mazoku, what was his name Xelloss? Just why have you traveled with a Mazoku, known bringers of destruction and death. And there are times when you've fought on his side. Doesn't that make you evil as well?"
"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!" Amelia screamed and threw Flare Arrows everywhere.
Chibi-Gourry, a little singed but none the worse for wear, hightailed it out of the room with the clown on his heels. They rounded a corner and ducked.
BOOM!!
Chibi-Gourry looked back down the hall. There was dark smoke coming out of Amelia's room.
"Oh boy even if she survived that, she's gonna have one heck of a time trying to explain what happened," Chibi-Gourry laughed.
"What's going on here?" demanded a tall man covered in full body armor. He would have appeared more intimidating if he wasn't peeking out of a linen closet. "It isn't Josephine again is it?"
The clown and Chibi-Gourry looked at him.
"What is a full grown man doing hiding in a linen closet?" Chibi-Gourry snorted.
"Shut up! You don't know what she's like," snapped Goldias, Jeffrey's father and the unfortunate person married to Josephine, more commonly seen as the crazy fat lady wearing a red mask and wielding a mean warhammer.
"Hey...I saw you earlier with that - " Chibi-Gourry almost said 'green-haired idiot' but he had no desire to become a pancake again. Besides, the clown didn't have anymore balloons to fill him up. " - that boy called Jeffrey."
"Yes, he's my son." Goldias managed to look embarrassed. Not an easy thing to do when all anyone can see of you are your eyes.
Chibi-Gourry pulled out his Sword of Light. "Alright then. For that humiliating incident earlier, I'll kill you." Chibi-Gourry smiled evilly. Now for a real fight, not like that scarecrow man.
"You...want to kill me..." Goldias said slowly looking over the six-inch tall doll on the ground.
Chibi-Gourry nodded.
"Oh please please please please please do it!"
Chibi-Gourry and clown facefaulted.
Goldias fell to his knees and pleaded with the doll. "Please kill me. End my life now. I don't want to live anymore." He kissed, or tried to kiss the doll's feet.
Chibi-Gourry kicked him which really didn't do much given his size. He signaled for the clown to kick the slobbering man. "What are you talking about? Pull out your sword and fight!"
"I won't put up any resistance. Just end it all now for me. PLEASE!!!" Goldias begged.
"Get away from you freak!" Chibi-Gourry backed away. What was with this guy? He actually wanted to die?
Goldias stopped begging for a moment. "Me a freak? So says the half a foot tall talking doll wielding a magical weapon with a clown for a partner?"
"Well..." Chibi-Gourry had to admit the guy had a point.
Goldias pounced on the doll. "Come on kill me! Slit my throat. Carve out my heart. Pull my brain through my nose! Anything! You can even disembowel me! I'll help! Let me get out of this armor."
"I've had enough, you're crazy!" Chibi-Gourry squirmed out of Goldias's grip and climbed up the clown's leg. "Get me out of here! Let's find some normal people to pick on!"
"No wait! You haven't killed me yet!" Goldias cried, pulling off his breastplate.
Clown hit warp speed down the corridor.
Lina was returning to her room. The evening had been relatively quiet, after that incident with Zel of course. Which meant she was due in for some mayhem. Lina sighed and began jogging to her room. Once she was there, not even Nee-chan was going to get her out.
It was then of course that the door to a room a bit farther down the hallway went boom.
"Damn it, the Innkeeper said no spellcasting in the rooms," Lina grumbled waving away the smoke rolling out of the room.
"Lina!"
Lina looked back down the way she came to see Zel.
"What did you do this time?"
"Hey I didn't do anything!" Lina protested. "And what do you mean 'this time'?"
Zel wisely decided not to answer that volatile question, instead going to the explosive room. "Is anyone in here?"
"Waaaaahhhhh!" cried the person running out.
Lina couldn't see who it was. All she saw was Zelgadiss quickly stepping to one side of the door and something bursting out at full speed.
"Great did someone screw up a summoning spell?" Lina growled. "Fireba - no, too destructive and wide ranged. Well then Flare Arrow!"
At point blank range, she couldn't miss. The blackened monster tipped over and fell to the ground. Lina nudged it with her boot. "What is this? It looks familiar but I can't place it."
"That was Amelia," Zel replied, leaning against the wall.
"Heh, oops." Well that explained Zel's action. "Hey Amelia. You alright?"
"...no..."
Lina raised an eyebrow. No screaming about overly destructive magic. No scolding about looking before casting. No undying optimism and cheerfulness. Something must be wrong.
Lina rapped the princess on the head. "What in the world were you thinking casting magic inside your room? The Innkeeper strictly forbids that."
Suddenly hundreds of signs saying "No Spellcasting in Bedrooms" become painfully obvious all around them.
"But...but..." Amelia sniffled.
"Don't tell me you got attacked by a clown and talking doll," Lina said sarcastically.
Zel gave her a baleful look.
"It...it..."
Lina whacked Amelia over the head again. Maybe something had gotten broken. The younger girl was sounding like a broken record.
"The voice said I was evil!!!" Amelia finally bawled.
"Voice?" Zel and Lina asked simultaneously. "What voice?"
"I don't know," sobbed Amelia. "But it was mean."
Lina shook her head. "First Zel, now Amelia. Who's next?"
Baby Val was playing happily with his new toy. It had long blond hair that was great for pulling or just plain chewing. And whenever he whacked it against the floor or wall it made those funny noises. Of course, since he was a baby he had no idea what the toy was saying but that didn't make it any less fun.
Chibi-Gourry was very severely repenting his decision to make this baby his next target.
"Val!" Filia called, hands on her hips. "Where did you get that? You shouldn't put strange things in your mouth! You don't know where it's been."
Filia pried the doll from her foster son's hands.
"It's probably from Namagomi," Filia frowned, wrinkling her nose and holding the disgusting object with two fingers.
"Yooooou rang?" Xelloss popped in out of...nowhere. What a surprise. He received a wet chewed toy in the face.
"Keep your things away from my son!" Filia snapped, picking up Val to be changed.
Xelloss peeled the doll from his face.
"Mine?" He looked at it. "You might as well stop pretending."
Chibi-Gourry dropped his doll act. "Well well. A Mazoku. Haven't seen one of you for sometime."
Xelloss could sense the evil emanating from the doll. "So you're responsible for tonight's...liveliness."
All around the inn, people had been found dead, demoralized, terrified, and/or just plain crazy. Being a Mazoku and therefore a prime suspect, Xelloss had just had a little talk with the Innkeeper protesting his innocence. Innocent Mazoku. An oxymoron most of the time but a paradox in this case.
"As amusing as it all is, I'm afraid I'll have to make sure you don't cause anymore trouble. My master wouldn't enjoy learning that Mazoku have been banned from Xanadu," Xelloss smiled evilly.
"Would she enjoy learning about this?" Chibi-Gourry returned the smile, waving an article of clothing. He snickered. "Guess the question is answered huh?"
Xelloss's smiling devil-may-care mask was fixed in place, though audible cracking could be heard.
"Briefs who knew?" the doll chortled slipping out of the Mazoku's hands. He ran away, waving the briefs covered with little smirking chibi-Xelloss. "Hey everyone! The Trickster Priest wears BRIEFS!!"
"GIVE THOSE BACK YOU CONNIVING <bleep> <bleep> <bleep>!!!" Xelloss screamed, tearing after the evil doll.
The Innkeeper simply shook his head at such language and was glad he invested in that new censoring system.
Chibi-Gourry ducked under a pink cloth with Xelloss close behind. In each hand, Xelloss grabbed the doll and his stolen undergarment.
"I've got you now you little devil," Xelloss growled.
"NA-MA-GO-MIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!" Filia shrieked, her golden tail sticking straight out.
Baby Val chortled and clapped his chubby hands, dressed only in his diaper.
Xelloss's only thought, besides locking that doll up and throwing it into the Sea of Chaos, as Filia's mace sent him flying from under her skirt, was that Filia certainly had nice legs.
Lina, Zel, and Amelia came running at Filia's scream. By the pitch and length, they judged she was very close to entering dragon form rampage. And none of them wanted to be sleeping under the stars. Turning the corner into scene of the crime, they came upon a bogey heading straight toward them. Only Zel was quick enough to duck, Lina and Amelia instead got tangled in the Xelloss Missile.
"I don't care what you did, just apologize!" Lina screamed, grabbing Xelloss and throwing him back to Filia.
Amelia held up a dropped article of clothing. "What's this?"
Lina and Zel looked and both immediately backed away. Zel was even looking a little red.
"Wh-where did you get that?" Lina asked with a weird expression.
"I think Xelloss dropped it."
The three looked down the hall where Xelloss was avoiding Filia's mace and Baby Val was laughing and swinging from the Mazoku's cape.
"Xelloss..." Lina started.
"...wears briefs..." Zel finished.
"Briefs?" Amelia blinked before throwing the briefs as far away from her as possible. "Aaaahh!"
Lina and Zel meanwhile were rolling on the ground laughing. Well Lina was, Zel was clutching his sides laughing silently.
Xelloss retrieved his briefs and vanished, presumably to put them back on. Then he teleported right next to the laughing duo. "And what's so amusing about what I wear?" he asked testily.
Lina only shook her head.
"Well if what I wear is so interesting, then maybe we should get a look at what Zel-chan is wearing," Xelloss grinned sinisterly, his slitted eyes glittering.
Zelgadiss immediately stopped laughing. "You wouldn't." But knowing that Xelloss actually would, he began hightailing it out of there. The Trickster Priest floated after him with a predatory look.
"Lina-san! We just can't let Xelloss do that!" Amelia freaked, pulling on the older sorceress's arm.
"I don't think we can stop him anyway," Lina mumbled, dusting herself off as she stood up. "Still, there's bound to be some mindless destruction. We'd better follow to keep it down to a minimum."
Filia and Amelia stared agape at Lina. Lina Inverse, the destruction and chaos poster child, wanted to prevent destruction?! They pinched their cheeks hard. It hurt. They weren't dreaming.
"Are you feeling alright Lina-san?" Amelia asked checking Lina's temperature.
Filia checked her pulse. "Seems normal. But delusions aren't always caused by illness."
"Fireball."
Lina stormed off leaving behind her two roasted companions. It wasn't too hard to find the chimera and Mazoku. Just follow the sounds of breaking furniture. She caught up with them in the lobby where she was immediately assaulted by Martina.
"Freeze Arrow." Lina froze Martina's feet to the ground. "What the hell are you doing?"
"It's all your fault! It's all your fault!" Martina screeched.
"Could you be a bit more specific? Don't tell me you're still angry over your kingdom?" Lina sighed.
"Gourry killed my husband!!"
That brought all fighting to a halt, including Zelgadiss and Xelloss. Lina blinked.
"Hey what's going on?" Gourry waved before devouring another large piece of yellow cake. Sylphiel was behind him carrying the rest of the cake.
"When did you get big again?" Martina snapped.
"Uh Martina he's always been that tall..." Lina said, scratching her head.
"No, he was just six inches less than ten minutes ago! And he had that Sword of Light with him as well!"
"That doll!" exclaimed Zel, Xelloss, and Sylphiel.
"Great. Lemme guess, a little doll tried to kill you all with a miniature Sword of Light?" Lina rolled her eyes.
"Told you already," Zel mumbled sullenly, not willing to let anymore of that incident spread around. He'd never hear the end of it.
"No. It just..." Xelloss shut his trap. What he wore was his own business.
"No." Several pairs of eyes turned to Sylphiel. "I got this cute little doll of Gourry-sama from a clown." Zelgadiss flinched. "It said some really cute things. It even said it was going to kill me. I've never heard a doll say that."
Sweatdrops sprouted.
Gourry, still eating cake, wandered over to one of the windows. "Wow."
"What?" Lina asked testily.
"That's certainly an interesting looking scarecrow out there."
Lina marched over and punched Gourry over the head though it only relieved her frustration slightly. "There aren't any scarecrows around Xanadu!"
"Lina you might want to revise that," Zelgadiss advised, pointing outside.
Everyone looked outside at the familiar person tied up like a scarecrow.
"Zangulus?!"
Martina latched onto her husband after they untied him and brought him back in. "I thought you were dead," she sobbed.
Zangulus looked embarrassed. "I wish I was. To get beaten by a six-inch tall doll in a swordfight." He glared at everyone, daring them to make something of it. They wisely kept quiet.
"So everyone here has had an encounter with this doll that looks like Gourry," Zelgadiss summed up.
"Not me," Lina muttered. Zelgadiss ignored her.
"But none of the incidents have been fatal to any of us. Yet."
"I disagree."
They looked at the new speaker, a mage in brown robes and a bright orange cloak. He did look somewhat familiar.
"Who are you?" someone asked.
He lifted his head.
"Vrumugun!" Zangulus greeted his old friend. "What happened to your cloak?"
"The laundry room screwed up," Vrumugun replied. "Actually, the one that was at your wedding and whom you were expecting has expired."
"A victim of the doll then?" Zel asked.
Vrumugun nodded. "He was killed in the shower."
"So what took so long for you to come forward?"
"Well, a Vrumugun should have been here sooner except the first three got killed on their way here. So many of us haven't died since when we were working for Eris."
Lina rolled her eyes. "Sure whatever. I'm going to bed."
"But Lina-san! A great evil is working its dark hand here!" Amelia protested.
"Yeah, I heard. A chibi-Gourry doll is running around with a Sword of Light with a clown partner. I'm scared," Lina snorted. Before she went up the stairs, she gave everyone the evil eye. "And anyone who disturbs me is going to get blasted into the stars."
With that final warning, she stormed back to her room, a haven from the madness currently enveloping all of the guests of Xanadu. If she didn't know better, the Innkeeper was running one of those special "Who did it?" murder games with everyone. Well, she wasn't going to play this time.
There was only the faint moonlight to illuminate her room but Lina didn't bother lighting a candle. She knew where everything was and she was going straight to sleep anyway. Tossing her cape and sword aside, she sat on the bed and pulled off her boots. The bed felt rather soft. The Innkeeper must have changed mattresses recently. Lina dropped into bed and rolled onto her side.
That's strange. The bed feels smooth but it isn't silk...
And she noticed that the mattress seemed to be lower on the sides of the bed than in the middle.
"Lighting," Lina cast frowning.
Right in front of her face were two eyes. The two eyes blinked. Lina blinked. She followed the eyes down the tentacles they were sitting on down into the yellowish mass connected to it. She was laying on the biggest slug she had ever seen. As she realized this, Lina began to notice the hundreds of other slugs of various sizes all over her room.
"IYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" The scream of utter terror rocked the inn.
Back in the lobby where everyone else was collected, they shook their heads knowingly.
"It sounds like Lina-san met the doll," Amelia ventured hesitantly.
"It probably can't kill her," Xelloss shrugged.
"IYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" Of course the screams still continued.
"I guess someone should go check on her," Zel sighed. He looked at Gourry. "You go."
"Go where?"
Sweatdrops popped up.
"IYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
"Fine then, Xelloss you go."
"Me? Why do I have to do it?"
"Because you're likely to survive the encounter and report back," Zel growled. Though there wouldn't be any regrets if Xelloss didn't come back.
"IYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
"Why don't you go?" Xelloss retorted. "You're just likely as me to come out in one piece."
"Hey hey," Amelia stepped in between the two before firewords started. "We can do this fairly. We'll all draw straws. The longest straw has to go."
"He'll cheat," Zelgadiss glared at Xelloss.
"IYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
"He'll draw first then so we can all see," said Amelia, holding the fistful of straws out to Xelloss.
Xelloss picked one. It was short.
One by one everyone picked a straw. In the end, Zelgadiss was holding the long end.
"IYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Zel groaned and marched off to his doom.
"Good luck Zelgadiss-san!" Amelia cheered waving a pom-pom.
"We'll assume the best if you don't come back," Xelloss added.
Zelgadiss wondered exactly how he had ticked off fate lately. Running into Amelia and then everyone else here. That incident in the hot springs. His face burned at that memory. Meeting a clown in the library and having Lina learn he was afraid of clowns. And now he was going to check up on Lina after she had said she would pass a sentence of death on anyone who disturbed her. He didn't know which room was hers in the Scroll Section but all he had to do after all was follow the screaming.
"IYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
The screaming led him to a door with a golden phoenix knocker. He was going to knock but realized that there was no way it would be heard over the screaming. So instead he unlocked the door with a spell and cautiously opened the door.
"...Lina?" Zel asked with the door opened a crack.
"IYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Zel lost his balance as the door was yanked into the room and Lina barrelled into him, propelling both of them across the hallway.
"IYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Slugs-slugs-slugs-slugs-slugs-SLUGS!!! I HATE SLUGS!!!" Lina screamed, squeezing the life out of Zel. "Someone get some salt," she sobbed.
And now the tables were turned. Zel wondered if this was how he was acting in the library. Still, being afraid of slugs wasn't half as embarrassing as being afraid of clowns to his point of view. Awkwardly, Zel smoothed Lina's hair to soothe her. To get his mind off of Lina's proximity and of the earlier incident in the hot springs, he glared at the guilty room. Even when Lina calmed down, the minute she saw the slugs she'd probably lose it again.
Possible options. Burning the slugs would likely result in burning most of the room and then he'd have Lina burning him. Any earth magic was out of the question and using wing to blow the slugs out of the room wouldn't work either. Especially not with that huge one on the bed. Oh hell, just contain them for now.
"Gray Buster," Zel cast, causing the temperature in Lina's drop to freezing, killing all of the slugs instantly. Now there was just the matter of Lina, Zel looked down, who was still clinging to him crying. Knocking her out of hysteria would not be in his best interest so he just sat there in the hallway, letting the girl cry. He tried not to think about how nice it felt holding Lina.
They remained that way for several minutes before Lina stopped crying. Lina loosened her deathgrip and Zel could breath freely again. He was also ready to be toasted. But Lina just sat back rubbing her eyes looking rather embarrassed.
"Hellllooooo," smiled a slug.
"GET IT AWAY FROM ME!!!" Lina freaked and grabbed onto Zel again.
Zel, who was turning red either from embarrassement or from all the blood trapped in his head, flicked a Flare Arrow at the snide little slug. The slug whipped out its Sword of Light to absorb the spell.
"Lose something?" smiled Chibi-Gourry in the slug suit, flinging the spell back at Zel.
He dodged the returned spell, keeping a tight but polite grip on Lina. "You're the one behind this aren't you?"
"Give the man a prize," the doll yelled scampering off toward the lobby. "Or maybe a balloon animal."
Zelgadiss growled something unfit for print. "Lina. Lina!" Zel shook the girl's shoulder. "You just got visited by that chibi-Gourry doll."
"The...doll...?"
Zel did NOT like the devilish look in Lina's eyes.
"That doll...put those...THINGS...in my room...it's been ruining...my relaxation..."
If Zel could, he would have been running away.
"I AM GOING TO BUTCHER THAT THING!!!!" Lina screamed, running down the hall to the lobby, dragging Zel behind her. Zel just sighed.
"Sounds like they're here," Xelloss commented as Lina burst down the stairs to where everyone was.
Lina came to a screeching halt leaving black brake marks on the wooden floor. Zel came to a rest and re-adjusted the arm Lina had dragged him by.
"Where is it? Where is it?" Lina foamed looking around wildly. Almost everyone hid. Gourry didn't because he was stupid. Xelloss didn't because he could teleport out of harm's way if needed.
"You know Zel-kun," Xelloss looked at Zel. "You were up there quite a bit longer than we expected. You didn't happen to do it...did you?"
"Pervert!" Zel yelled, bright red.
"Who me?" Xelloss pointed to himself and his golden halo. "I was just asking whether you knocked on Lina's door to find out what was wrong. What did you think I was asking about?"
Zel could only sputter incoherently.
"I want that doll and I want it yesterday!" Lina continued screaming. "Everyone go look for it and give a holler when you find it. Search everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE!!"
People scrambled over each other, eager to begin searching for their tormentor (in most cases). Or maybe they were just eager to get away from Lina who had grown fangs and was spouting fire.
Now as everyone knows, Xanadu is huge with plenty of places for a six-inch tall doll to hide. So Slayers and Company turned the inn upside down and inside out, invading occupied and unoccupied rooms alike in their doll-hunt. No room was left unsearched, no closet unchecked, no shower uninvestigated, er you get the idea. And through the hidden speakers located throughout the resort, the song "Kill the Beast" from Disney's Beauty and the Beast played with only the minor alteration of the word 'doll' replacing 'beast'.
Shortly before sunrise, all of the searchers gathered in front of the dining hall. Even after turning the inn into a warzone, no one had found a trace of the doll. And the only incident that happened was Zel's run-in with the clown again, sending him into another hysterical attack which only ended when Lina fried the clown.
"Damn it I'm hungry," Lina grumbled as loudly as her stomach. "JUST WHERE IS THAT DOLL?!?"
"...food...food..." moaned Gourry now reduced to skin and bones and was being pulled along by Sylphiel.
Zelgadiss rubbed his temples. "Maybe after we all calm down, we could think this...out..."
Opening the doors to the dining hall, they were all transfixed by the mountain high pile of empty plates and dishes. Seated at the bottom was the object they had spent the entire night looking for.
"Hey!" Chibi-Gourry smiled, waving a leg bone.
Slayers and Company immediately fell to bickering over who was supposed to check the dining hall.
"That was good." Chibi-Gourry patted his extended stomach. "I don't think there is a scrap of food left in the place."
"W-H-A-T," Lina growled.
"All gone. No longer here. The fridge is bare. No more food," smirked the doll.
"Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows."
"Oh hell," Zelgadiss muttered.
"Everyone run for your lives!" Amelia screamed into the PA system.
"In thy great name I pledge myself to darkness."
Gourry simply nodded as he could barely talk in his skin and bone state.
The Innkeeper flipped through his insurace coverage manual. Let's see, destruction by sea monster, destruction by silly Mazoku Lords in pink tutus, destruction by spells. Spells covered...Dolph Strash, Dolph Zork, Dragu Slabu. Right it was covered. The Innkeeper picked up his bag holding all of his personal belongings and began walking away.
"Let all those who stand before us be destroyed by the power you and I possess. Dragu Slabu!!"
An explosion later, the Slayers and Company dug themselves out of the ruins of the resort Xanadu.
"Lina! Don't you think that was a little extreme?" Zel grumbled, pushing off a piece of the ceiling.
"You destroyed the entire place!" Amelia added.
"No one gets away from ruining my vacation! That doll is - "
"Fine. Not a scratch on his handsome hide," finished the doll popping out of the rubble.
Lina screamed in frustration and punted the doll to the moon.
When the sun finally rose again, its rays touched the burnt remains of the inn and the various people sleeping in it. Only one person was awake and that was because a certain baby was using his arm as chewing toy.
Xelloss looked balefully at Val and rolled his eyes.
"Aaaaaahhh!" the doll screamed as it came down from its flight to the moon. "Ufff! I have returned!"
Xelloss took his staff, aimed carefully, and putted the doll into a conveniently located black hole.
"And that's the end of you," the Mazoku muttered.
"Perhaps," the Innkeeper said, suddenly appearing next to Xelloss.
"What do you mean?"
"That's what I was using as garbage disposal. It's sort of a dimensional portal. I think it connects to the garbage chute of another building I own. Oh well. I better get going since this place is destroyed."
The Innkeeper began walking down the road just as a couple came up. One was a tall handsome man with light violet short hair and eyes and he waved to the Innkeeper.
"Hey long time no see. What happened to Xanadu?"
"Oh there was a little pest problem that got out of hand. No worries though, my insurance covers it."
"Well that's good. Still, my wife and I were going to have our second honeymoon there."
Zelgadiss just woke up. There was a crick in his neck from having slept against a wall slab for the last hour or so. He looked sleepily at the couple talking with the Innkeeper.
"Dad?!?"
The handsome man looked past the Innkeeper to the people sprawled all over the ground. "Why if it isn't Zelgadiss. Look dear, Zel's here too."
"Oh my little boy has grown so tall."
"Mom? So you found her Dad?"
Zel's father winked. "Looks like I'm not the only one. That's quite a cute girl you have there."
Zel looked down to find Lina curled up next to him, her hands holding tightly to his shirt. He blushed. "Wha-no, it's not what you think..."
Xelloss moved a bit to look at the two people who were apparently Zelgadiss's parents. He had never seen the man before but the woman...Xelloss's jaw became unhinged and slammed to the ground.
"What's wrong with you Xelloss?" Zelgadiss asked, noticing the slack-jawed glazed eye look of the Mazoku.
"That's-She's - " Xelloss stammered.
"Oh no time for that," Zel's father smiled. "That's another story. This one is at an end."
And Lina just slept peacefully through it all, finally getting her rest and relaxation.