"Thank the stars, it's over!" Lina cheered. "SephZero isn't here so we're safe from mixed up verb tenses and repetitive sentence structure."
"Lina, do you have any idea what you just said?"
She looked at Zel. "No, why?"
"Because she just put words in your mouth."
"Who?"
"You know. HER."
"Zel, if you don't spit it out, I'll...I'll...I'll give you to Ashford!" The threat would have been more convincing if Lina wasn't turning slightly pale at the thought. She always did think that old man enjoyed giving Zel mouth-to-mouth a bit too much.
Zel was an off shade himself, or perhaps that was the stage lighting. "Fine. SephZero isn't directing this but...she was desperate and couldn't get writing on anything short enough to write in the span of several hours because she was feeling guilty for not writing but she still hasn't done her Java homework or the lab questions or even looked at the project and - "
"GET ON WITH IT!" said a nice white sign with black print that suddenly dropped from the catwalks above and nearly whapped Zel in the back of the head.
"Ahem. Theria's in charge now."
Lina blinked.
"You know, SephZero's older sister?" As Lina still had no reaction, Zel went on, adding more descriptions to jog Lina's memory. "The insane writer whose record output for a one month period of time is...I forgot but anyway she wrote AD, How Terim Met Zelas, Jack's Nocturne and some she's still writing but not at the moment are Ruins, Legacy, High School, and - "
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" Lina screamed, running warp speed toward the exit. And if that failed, hopefully at the speed she was going she would either make a new one or escape this mortal coil. You know, I should feel insulted by that kind of reaction.
Death walked cheerfully back to the stage, white and black striped tail swinging behind him, and deposited Lina at Zel's feet, bound and gagged. Then he hopped off the stage and took back the popcorn that Fibrizo was holding for him. Zel sweatdropped as he looked more closely at the audience. There quite a number of dead people out there.
"Very soon, Slayers' Classical Retold Tales Theater, I mean Slayers' Classical Tales Retold Theater will present its next production!" boomed Theria's voice because someone turned the volume switch over to maximum. "This theater has THX. The audience is now deaf."
"Great. Can I leave?"
"No Zel, you have an important role. You can't walk away."
"Knowing you, it's either some degrading role or one that tries to hook me up with Lina." Zel sighed. "So which is it?"
"I'm hurt. You think I would do that? After all of the stories I've written with you and Lina and usually everyone else in them?"
"Theria-san," a new voice said sweetly over the announcement system. It sounded like Xelloss. "Can we get on with this?"
"Oh yeah. And now, for this showing, I present...Rumplestiltskin! Or was it Rumplestilskin? Does anyone know?" Silence. "Um, okay. So...shoot. Does anyone remember exactly how this story got started? All I remember is a miller's daughter and the miller boasting but why he was boasting I can't remember."
"Too bad. Show's over. Let's go home."
"Forget it, Zel. I'll improvise. Now get backstage and in your costume," Theria ordered. "And take Lina with you. She's in the first scene. I need her back yesterday."
"How do you expect me to cross time?"
"It was a figure of speech! Sheesh. Actors."
"O-HOHOHOHO! You have as much brains and looks as you have breasts, Lina Inverse! Which is to say that you have none unlike the great Serpent Naga! Just look at me, everyone knows it's how much you have here that counts!" Naga laughed, puffing out her chest to display her generous bosom and the cleavage the low-cut and loosely tied white blouse revealed. "This will surely catch the prince's eye! Soon I'll be QUEEN Serpent Naga!! O-HOHOHOHO!"
Lina glared at the other servant, pushing back a strand of red hair that had fallen out of the scarf covering her head. "Yeah, as if the prince would take one look at a serving girl covered in flour. He might take you for a toss in the haystacks, just like EVERY OTHER GUY in the village," she retorted.
"You're just jealous that Gourry mistook you for a beanpole just yesterday," Naga snorted. "Now there's a man, if a bit on the dim side."
"Dim?? He gave away his mother's only cow, the only thing they had left to barter with mind you, for some lousy beans! How dim-witted can you get??" Lina shouted, waving one of the wooden paddles she was carrying so they could beat the washings in the river.
"Now now, Lina, you can't afford to be picky. Gourry will probably be the only man ever willing to marry you. Provided you trick him somehow into thinking you're a girl and not scarecrow."
"Scarecrow? First a beanpole and now a scarecrow, do I look I'm a crop in the farmer's field?!" yelled the shorter girl, dropping all of the dirty clothes she was carrying and tried to swing her paddle at Naga. "Just because I don't grow as fast as everyone else it automatically makes me a wooden plank? I do have some growth you know!"
"You call that growth?" Naga asked, poking Lina's chest with her own paddle. "Are you sure those aren't just cloth rags?" She watched Lina sputter with anger. "Such an ill-mannered and violent girl such as yourself could never hope to win the hand of a prince unless you can spin straw into gold."
"And who says I can't!" Lina snapped, so angry that she only wanted to contradict Naga in anyway. "I can fill the entire royal treasury and more with gold spun from straw!"
"Really?"
Lina and Naga blinked, looking at the young man who suddenly stood near them. His plum and tan colored garments were made of rich cloth, a crest proudly displayed on the clasp that held his traveling cloak. His attention, and his eyes if they were opened, were focused intently on Lina. She didn't like it.
"You just said you could spin straw into gold," he said in a way that meant a question but sounded like a statement. "Didn't you."
"Um, well...technically, I did say that..." Lina hedged. Say it yes, say it truthfully, well, that was another matter. "But the truth is..."
"The truth is you are coming with me immediately to see the Prince G.B. at his castle." The strange man hooked Lina's arm and began dragging her away. "How fortunate that I came upon you. His highness will be most pleased."
Lina was at first too confused to resist but when she was able to think again, she figured this was the perfect opportunity to get in the good graces of the prince. All she needed to do was figure out how to explain she couldn't really spin straw into gold without getting her head chopped off.
"HEY! How dare you lock up a fair maiden in the bloom of her youth in a dark, smelly, dusty, stone room filled with nothing but mounds of hay and a spinning wheel!" Lina yelled, pounding on the thick wooden door. She even tried kicking it but only succeeded in stubbing her toe. "There are kidnapping laws in this kingdom you know!"
"Yes, there are but his highness made an exception for you," Xelloss, that courtier who had brought Lina into the castle, said sweetly. "We can't let such a treasure as yourself out there all alone among those ignorant peasants. Think of it as for your own protection."
"Protection my ass," Lina muttered before yelling again. "You could at least leave me some more food and a place to bath! You're locking me up here for three days for crying out loud! This room doesn't pass any of the standard codes for appropriate living conditions!"
"Well then, you'll just have to spin the straw into gold that much quicker then. At the most, I'll be seeing you in three days. And don't forget what his highness has promised if you fill the royal treasury with your golden straw."
"Yeah, yeah, he'll marry me," Lina grumbled, listening to Xelloss's fading steps. "Not that that is a bad thing, he's pretty handsome but I can't believe the royal treasury is completely empty! And now he wants me to fill it up. As if any of this was my fault. Damn you, Naga, you tricked me!"
Her voice echoed, or should have echoed if this was a large room. But it wasn't, perhaps only twelve feet along each side with no windows. Or if there were any windows, they were covered by all of the straw stuffed into the room. In fact, other than the space for the spinning wheel and a place for the box of food and water, everything was straw.
Lina wondered if she would become claustrophobic after three days in this place. There wasn't even a bed, where was she supposed to sleep? And the food, it wouldn't last her one meal. And if she didn't die of starvation, there was a worse fate. Being beheaded on an empty stomach.
"Terrific. I just had to open my big mouth." And when Lina was angry, she could only think of one thing to do. She ate. And there went the three days' supply of food which was actually quite sparse. "The castle must really be low on funds."
Now that she had exhausted the only activity in the room that interested her, Lina decided she needed a nap. But there was no way she would sleep on the cold, hard floor. She had better than that even in the servants' quarters. The straw looked a little better, at least it was softer. But who knew what kind of bugs were in it? And of course maybe some fungi if someone didn't store them properly.
"Well, it's either that or the floor and there isn't much floor to begin with so..." Lina gave the straw a stern look as if telling it and everything in it to behave before she plopped down on to it. And promptly slid right off. "What the hell??"
"That's my line," grumbled a familiar voice. Well, familiar to the actress Lina but not the character Lina was currently playing. Clawing its way out of the straw was a small man, no actually it was a chibi man, well no it was a child-like Super-Deformed Zel to be exact.
"ZEL?!?" Lina chortled. Oh gods did he look silly, cute and rather adorable of course as all Super-Deformed people are required to be by anime law (else they look like demonic versions of themselves), but still silly. He reminded her of a stuffed animal but perhaps that was because of the fuzzy one-suit sleeper he was wearing.
If you don't know what sleeper is, that's alright. I don't even think I have the name correct. Zel's wearing those one-piece pajama things that zip up in the front and usually have covered feet such that your feet get hot inside. Wore those all the time when I was young. But I digress.
"What are you supposed to be?" Lina snickered, failing to keep a straight face. Zel's scowling, which looked more like a pout because he wasn't supposed to scowl, didn't help. Lina slid to the ground, thanks to the straw's slipperiness as well, holding her sides that were hurting from laughing too much.
Zelgadiss rolled his eyes. "I'm a...I can't read that cue card."
Everyone looked at the 3 feet by 1 foot cue card Gourry was holding. It wasn't any fault of his, the cards were upright and facing the right way. The words were big and legible. It's just that the last lines for Zel were scribbled out.
"I couldn't find any words to describe you," Theria apologized. "Well, except for maybe cute, adorable, huggable, merchandising potential...anyway, you don't look like a dwarf at all. So just go on with your lines."
"I'm not speaking in rhyme."
"Fine. I can't write in it. And I can't rip off the lines from the story because I don't have it anywhere near me. Now if you want to speak in Java, that I can do."
"Nooo thanks." Zel returned his focus to the scene. "Here's the deal. I'll spin straw into gold for you and - "
"Can I keep some?" Lina interrupted. "You know, those idiots up there in the castle don't know what the material balance is for converting straw into gold. How about slipping a little bit into my pockets?"
"NO! Anyway, I'll spin the straw for you so just shut up and get out of my way." Zel glared at her, but it came out more petulant than scary. "Damn it. I know Theria is trying to get back at me for something."
"But you look so KA-WA-II!!"
Lina and Zel sweatdropped. They knew she was losing it when she reverted to Japanese... Unnaturally hyperactivity would also becoming along shortly if they didn't get on with the play. So Zel sat down and after a few false starts, some lead, a bit of copper, platinum, bronze, silver, ooooh Zel spun some orihalcon.
"I thought you said you were going to spin the straw into gold?" Lina asked archly, relaxing in a nest of straw she made while Zel swore and pricked his finger but did not fall asleep at the spinning wheel.
"Well, excuse me. It isn't as if there's a manual on how to do it," Zel snapped. "Besides, do you how difficult it is to adjust to being this small again? Even if I am not stone anymore."
"Say what?" Lina leaned over and pulled some of Zel's hair. "Your hair is normal!" Then she poked him in the ribs. "You got cured??" She looked him up and down, noticing for the first time that the gray pebbles were gone. But she had an excuse. Besides being bowled over by his decrease in stature and increase in adorableness, he was completely covered by the fuzzy sleeper. "You're naturally blue-skinned?"
"No, I'm not cured exactly," Zel growled, looking at the director who waved back at him behind a video recorder. "Someone thought stone skin and wired hair wouldn't fit the role. Now let me just finish this so we can get on with this stupid play."
Well, to make a short story even shorter because I'm too lazy to write out the rest and it's repetitious anyway, the straw was spun into gold. Lina, because she was starving, immediately pounded on the door and demanded release. Xelloss, and Prince G.B., were very happy with the results and Lina was lead to a room where she was supposed to get her reward. Well, they lied. It was another room of straw. Guess what?
"You want me to spin more??"
"Smart girl. And since so little food motivated you to work so quickly, you'll get even less food this time."
"Xelloss, you - "
"See you soon."
The footsteps faded away. Lina was having a severe case of deja vu. How did fairy tale heroines survive being so utterly helpless? If only she had her spells she would have blown this palace off its foundation.
"Come on, Zel I know you're there. Let's get this over with."
So Zel took over the spinning wheel, Lina laid back and relaxed, and another batch of straw was spun into gold with considerably less trouble this time. Except for that batch of false gold Lina spun when Zel let her have a try after she whined and begged for at least an hour.
When Zel finished, he vanished. It's a mysterious helper sort of thing. Then we go through the cookbook recipe again: Lina get let out, Lina get locked up in another room with straw, Zel come to spin straw into gold, wash, rinse, repeat. Theria, who was too busy working on her Java programming to pay attention to directing, didn't yell at Gourry to wake up. As he was responsible for the cues which everyone was following to the letter and the cue was stuck on the locking up and making gold scene, it went on for much longer than the usual three.
Prince G.B. and Xelloss had become filthy rich off of the gold. Zel's fingers were suffering from many pricks of the needle and scratches from the straw. Lina was on the verge of eating straw because the food portions kept getting smaller and smaller as ordered by the great holy Cue Cards.
"I AM SICK OF THIS!!" Lina screamed, kicking and rolling in the straw. "Gourry! Wake up you blockhead and change the cue card already! Get to the scene where I marry the bloody prince! I've worked hard enough and now I want to roll in it!"
"You are rolling in it," Zel reminded, pulling out the straw that had fallen into his hair. "Besides which, I'm the one doing all of the work. You just lay around and complain."
"Well, if you'd teach me how to do it, I wouldn't have to rely on you," Lina huffed, sitting up with her arms crossed. She rather enjoyed being able to look down on someone for once.
"And did you really think that prince is going to marry you? He's only after the money," Zel continued, threading more straw into the wheel. "He'll just keep you working until you die. That's what the family has been doing for generations."
"They what???" Lina shrieked. "How dare they waste my youth down here in some dismal dungeon! How am I supposed to be swept off my feet by some dashing handsome prince on a white horse??"
"It was part of the script anyway," he shrugged. "Unless you can get out, it'll never end. But you can't get out so we're all stuck here until we rot."
"Thank you, Mr. The-Glass-Is-Half-Full," Lina replied sarcastically. "Who cares what the script says. I'm leaving! And I'm taking all of that gold with me! It's mine fair and square!"
"Really?" Zel raised an eyebrow. "How is that when I'm the one that made it all?"
"But you made it all for me right Zel?" Lina wheedled, doing her best 'cute' expression. "You're going to let poor Lina-chan keep the gold so she isn't left destitute out on the streets and forced to sell her body right?"
Zel cringed at the level of cuteness Lina was exuding, a blush staining his face because Super-Deformed people tended to get the extremes of any reaction. "Hey. Don't look at me. I can't do anything. I just work."
"But you get in and out don't you?" Lina smiled and leaned very close to Zel. "So there is a way out. And you'll show it to me hm?"
If Zel blushed any harder, the blood vessels under his skin would burst. Perhaps Lina didn't notice but she was pretty close to him and now that he had normal skin, albeit blue, he could feel her very well. "Ah..ano...Lina..."
"Because..." Lina's arm snaked around Zel's neck. "...if you don't...I'll beat you up until you do lead me to it!!" Zel gagged as Lina nabbed him in a chokehold. "Understand?"
Zel could only turn bluer and wave his hands wildly as the air and blood were cut off from the rest of his body. Finally, just as he was seeing stars, his head tipped forward and Lina took that as a sign of agreement. She released the fuzzy, Super-Deformed Zelgadiss.
"Good, so where is it?"
Zel looked everywhere but at her. "Um, as you are right now...you can't go." He fidgeted under Lina's glare which was a real glare unlike his. "You see...only kids can see it. And since Super-Deformed people often display child-like qualities and behaviors, and because I'm a Super-Deformed version of a toddler version of myself, I can see it as well."
"Oh great!" Lina threw her arms up in disgust. "How is that supposed to help me? Unless you know how to get me to SD to a toddler version of myself. ...is that were the sleepers come from?"
Zel nodded.
"Whoopie. I'm going to be marketing quality cute to boot." Lina muttered some nice words to blister paint which were appropriately bleeped for Zel's innocent ears. "Well? Is there a way for me SD?"
"Well, you would need to be really kawaii and have nice, happy thoughts..." Zel didn't sound very sure and Lina noted that. "Don't look at me. I'm just following my lines."
"Your lines? But the cue cards are frozen...oh great, now they're gone! How are we supposed to know what to do?" Lina moaned, certain that the world had come to an end because the cards weren't there to tell them what to say or do.
"You could try, learning your lines?"
"Shut up. So this was supposed to eventually happen?"
"Yes, it seems so. At least, it's one of three different outcomes Theria came up with. Some sort of practice using conditionals. You know, if this, then that, else something or another?"
"No, I don't," Lina mumbled, eyes and head spinning. "Well, let's just get this over with. So be cute and think of nice, happy things really hard. Man, this is cheesy."
"It's a fairy tale. There, that's good. You're getting smaller. Don't break your concentration! I was just saying that you're growing smaller - will you stop taking that the wrong way! Okay, okay, good. Looks like you're getting the hang of it. Now slow down. No, I said slow down not speed up. Lina!"
Everyone in the audience looked at Zel and at his feet a plump infant Lina, sitting up and looking at everyone with wide red eyes under a mop of red hair. She opened her mouth to yell, but all that came out was a gurgle. Then she began to cry, as babies are wont to do when they can't do what they want. Simple creatures aren't they?
"Theria. Theria!" Zel screamed, waving his arms to get the distracted director's attention. "We've got a problem here! Lina's regressed herself to infancy!"
"That's nice," Theria muttered, glaring at the computer monitor. "I hate telnetting into the computer lab. Can only use one blasted window at a time. Sure, just like being in the lab they said."
"THERIA!"
"Hm? What is it, Zel? Ah, baby Lina! KA-WA-II!! Glomp time!" Theria, who usually doesn't act like this but has been frazzled by computer programming, makes a flying leap toward the stage. And she falls short, on her face, a foot away from the stage. Then she leaped back up and grabbed baby Lina and toddler Zel in a big group hug. "Totemo kawaii!!!"
And so ends another ill-fated classic retold by one of the sanity-questionable authors who lives at Slayers: Beacon of Light Amidst Darkness. In fact, Theria must be more than a bit out of her mind to have come up with that ridiculously long name for her Slayers site.