"I can't take anymore of this," Lina groaned, resting her head on her desk. "This is inhuman. This is illegal. This is - "
"Normal."
She cracked an eye open to glare at the person sitting in the desk to her left. And how did they end up sitting next to each other again! As if things weren't already bad enough with the rabid Zelgadiss Fan Club, or ZFC for short, fanatics hounding her day and night just because she and Zel were the classroom representatives. Oh that's right. She was complaining about this festival.
"This is unnatural cruelty," she retorted. "Classes, homework, training for this ridiculous festival, and preparing and setting it up? Just kill me already."
"I'd love to but murder is still against the law."
"How about assisted suicide?"
"I thought you wanted to win that free trip."
"At this rate, I'll be too dead to enjoy it. And don't read that modern literature book in front of me."
"I'm not sitting in front of you."
"You know what I mean. Why do you have to take it so literally?"
"Because it annoys the hell out of you."
"Just wait until after the festival when I don't need you anymore."
"My my. I hadn't realized that you two had gone so far."
The temperature in the room dropped several degrees.
"You're in the wrong class, Xelloss," Lina muttered, never moving. "Ancient history was after lunch. It's after school now."
"So there won't be any objections right?" Xelloss whispered into her ear as he bent over her. "By the way, Lina-chan, I can assure you that I can do much more than Zel-kun can in the - "
The very thick modern literature book went flying into the teacher's head. Zelgadiss was standing there with barely repressed rage.
"I'm so sorry about that. It slipped."
Yeah right. The book slipped from his hand and went flying into Xelloss with enough force to knock him over several aisles of desks. Xelloss popped his head back up looking like an injured puppy, ears, furry tail and all.
"Zel-kun...that wasn't very nice," he whimpered with those big watery eyes and flowing river of tears down his face.
Zelgadiss's fist twitched.
"Um, ne, Zel. Let's get down there and help with the set-up," Lina suggested to the flaming chimera.
"Oh yes, do. I would love another chance to see what you're wearing today. It wouldn't by chance be that black lace - "
Lina dumped a desk on the teacher.
"I don't see why I have to do this," Zel grumbled on his way to the separate wing that housed the Alchemy department. Only the people who worked in there called it the Chemistry department. He wasn't even sure if the school would have supported the department if it wasn't for the two people there.
As Zel opened the door, he reflected that there were only two people in that department.
"Why, hello, Zelgadiss," smiled the fair-skinned man with violet hair. He was dressed in a white labcoat and wore those weird opaque glasses with those crazy spirals. "You haven't been here for quite some time."
"Which one are you?"
"I'm hurt. You can't even recognize your own relative?"
Zel crossed his arms and leaned against the closed door behind him, ignoring the fervent scratches of the crazed fan girls trying to get a glimpse of their idol in the lab. Didn't they have better things to do?
"Is it my fault that you two look exactly alike?"
"That isn't my department," shrugged the alchemist.
"Chemist."
???
"I am a chemist."
"Who are you talking to? Never mind, I don't want to know. You've probably been inhaling the fumes again."
"You mean this?" The alche - , I mean chemist took a deep whiff of the bubbling orange liquid in an erlenmeyer flask in his hand. "Please, all of you impressionable youth out there, do NOT do this at home, in your chem lab, or anywhere else for that matter. Hmmm, smells like strawberries."
"Look," Zelgadiss sighed. "I'm just here to get the special effects materials for the festival."
The chemist began to cry. "That's right. You never come here unless you need something. No one cares about me. Everyone just uses me."
"However," the chemist jumped up in a totally different personality. "That is alright because..."
Zelgadiss rolled his eyes.
"I am going to rule the world! Bwahahahahahaha!!"
"Of course, of course." Zelgadiss took that flask of weird orange stuff, put a 'Danger: Do Not Smell' label on it and corked it. Then he dug around the crowded lab countertop for one flask of many.
"Come, everyone! Let's make a Congo line!"
Zel finally found the 'All Purpose Antidote to Whatever Weird Concoction You Inhaled/Consumed/Touched'. He measured out a 1 to 1000 dilution, mixed it thoroughly, added the capsule to a shower bullet, loaded the gun, and fired it at the crazy chemist who was now rapidly shrinking.
"Thank you Zelgadiss," the chemist said woozily in a much higher voice than before. He tried to adjust the glasses that hung precariously off of his nose but the sleeves on his hands got in the way. "Boy, do I have a headache."
"That's not the only thing you have," Zel said disgustedly, kneeling down to eye level. "You're a kid, Kitzero. Again."
Kitzero looked down at himself. "So I am. It's a good thing I keep a spare set of clothes in my locker."
"Why do we have to go through this every time I come here!"
"Is that my beloved great-grandson I hear bellowing outside?" Another Kitzero popped his head into the front lab from the back lab. Okay, actually, it was Zelgadiss's great-grandfather Rezo. "We haven't seen you in a long time."
"You've never seen me period," Zel reminded, removing Rezo's glasses which were useless for a blind man. The only difference between Rezo and his grandson Kitzero lay in their eyes. The elder had lavender eyes and was blind. The younger had green eyes and perfect 20/20 vision.
"Now, now, you should never let physical handicaps get in the way of your dreams."
"Excuse me, I think I was just deliberately insulted."
"What do you mean? And you should really do something about that skin, boy. It feels like rock."
"Yeah, I noticed," Kitzero piped up, now dressed in a kid's size lab coat. "I remember Terim saying something about a cursed thing that my dad gave Zel for his last birthday."
"Vandamar? Is he still stealing things?"
"He likes to call it treasure hunting."
"Why can't he get a respectable job like the rest of the family?" Rezo sighed. "I'm sure there are several openings here with most of the staff of Eastern incapacitated."
"I did not come to discuss family problems," Zel said evenly. "I'm just here to pick up the special effects supplies."
"Now, now, family is always important. You should have come to us sooner about this," Rezo reprimanded. "After all, with such a curse...what is your curse anyway?"
Zelgadiss reminded himself that it was against the law to assault a member of the school staff. Only known exception to the rule was Xelloss.
"He's got these nice pointed ears, stone skin, hard hair, and slitted eyes."
"Hmmm. Can't do much about the eyes unless we change his genetics."
"Yes, but that's for the biology department. We can argue later about whether it should go to the magical division or natural science division."
"Stone, now stone sounds like something we can deal with."
"Absolutely, the inorganic is our province isn't it?"
"Well said, grandson. Now maybe some concentrated acid..."
"Wait just a minute!!"
Kitzero and Rezo looked up from the tea they were sipping from 10 mL beakers. Their tea source was from a 100 mL beaker over the bunsen burner.
"Did you want some tea? You only had to ask. However, you'll have to sanitize your own beaker."
Zelgadiss slowly counted to ten. But that was too short so he instead went over the entire 167th speech on peace and justice by the current ruler of Saillune, Crown Prince Philionel el de Saillune. He had to memorize the 1000 word piece for politics a month ago.
"Could I please have the special effects materials you were asked to have ready today for tomorrow's festival?" Zel asked in a tone just bordering civility.
"He's in a rush to go. Odd, don't you think?"
"Perhaps he finally has a girlfriend?"
"I have nothing of the sort!"
"You know, this post just came through the Graywords Grapevine," Kitzero mentioned waving a piece of paper. "Apparently, our dear Zelgadiss is one of the contestants for the Swords & Sorcery festival. And he's partnered with a girl."
"Graywords...Grapevine?"
"Didn't you know, boy? It's how we all keep track of each other here at school."
"And it's great for gossiping about you," Kitzero added. "So, I think he's in a hurry to get back to his girlfriend."
"She is not in any way, shape, manner, or form my girlfriend!!"
"Well, there's the problem isn't it? You feel that this curse of yours is getting in the way and you came to get our help in removing it. Of course we'll help you. After all, what else is family for?"
"..."
"But finding a cure may take some time."
"True, grandson. Perhaps a more immediate temporary solution will suffice."
"You have a way to change me back?" Zel asked hopefully, ignoring the fact that his uncle and great-grandfather were completely jumping to their own conclusions.
"No, of course not. But we may have a way to get you your girlfriend. Terim did say in the memo that it might help you."
Zelgadiss would have facefaulted but that was too dangerous an action to do in a room full of strange chemicals and two very sanity-challenged chemists, alchemists, whatever.
"For the last time, she is NOT my - "
"Presenting the Love Potion!" Rezo announced, holding up a flask of bubbly pink liquid. "Beta version 0.2."
"Are you even listening to me?"
"This a perfect chance to test it out!"
"About those special effects..."
"Just one whiff of this and she'll be heads over heels for you. Well, she's supposed to be."
"I must be adopted."
"Lina-chan, how can I see anything when you're dressed like that?"
"For the last time, you perverted teacher, get out of my face!" Lina yelled, throwing the first object in hand at him. It happened to be a large monkey wrench.
"You're under arrest!!"
Lina blinked. She was standing on a ladder, helping to build the stage for the play of Saint Migel versus the Demon Abran. Xelloss had been standing below before she threw the wrench. And now she was being put under arrest?
"Who said that?"
"I did! The Long Arm of Justice!"
"Oh, it's just someone practicing lines."
Lina went back to her work, imagining each nail was either Xelloss or Zelgadiss. It made the boring job go by much faster.
"I am not practicing lines! Though I would not have minded if I was cast as the great servant of justice Migel, however, I already had a greater calling and must follow it."
"Whatever."
"I am talking to you! And you are under arrest for assaulting a teacher!"
"Now look here," Lina said crossly but she still couldn't find the speaker. "Just where the hell are you?"
"I am up here! With the Star of Justice!"
Lina looked up at the half-finished catwalks criss-crossing in the rafters of the stage. Perched on one of the railings was a younger girl with short black hair wearing the pink school uniform of where?
"Who are you?"
"I am Amelia Wil Tesla Saillune, first year student of Southern, active member of the Student Conduct and Disciplinary Committee, security and referee of the Swords & Sorcery contest, and all around Fist of Justice!"
"I thought Southern students wore white."
"The boys do. The girls were changed to pink after one too many incidents with water."
Lina nodded. "Makes sense."
"Anyway, for the assault of a teacher - "
"I didn't assault him."
"Don't lie to me! I saw it with my own eyes!"
"The wrench slipped from my hand and fell."
"You threw it."
"And it never connected."
"...well, attempted assault!"
"Instead of charging me, why don't you charge him with lecherous behavior?"
"What do you mean?"
"When I was changing into this gym suit for working on the set, that thing walked right into the girl's changing room."
"WHAT?!?" screamed every girl on the set.
"I only wandered into there by accident," Xelloss protested, dodging various construction tools.
"You expect us to believe you with a smile like that!!"
"Oh, the utter disillusionment. That one of the upstanding teachers of such handsome appearance should be nothing but a common peeping, lecherous, pervert," Amelia sighed dramatically, doing freeze frame poses.
Below her, a large dust cloud fight ensued as the female students tried to beat up the pervert who dared to enter their changing room.
"But I will not lose faith! I will persevere and eliminate this perversion and restore the illustrious collection of honored teachers to its former glory!" Amelia stamped her foot and pointed. "The Star of Justice always shines brightly!"
"Actually, that's a stage light without a filter," Lina corrected. "And I really don't think you should stomp like that because - "
The board under Amelia's feet cracked.
"YAAAAAAA!!" she screamed as she fell into the brawl below.
"Because it might break," Lina sighed from where she was safe on the ladder.
"Whose hand on my leg?!"
"Oh, I'm sorry."
"Pervert!!"
"Terrific. Does he chase everything wearing a skirt? But he seemed to be after Zel as well." Lina watched as the stage was torn up. "There is no way this is all going to be ready for tomorrow."