Casting
Again, everybody is crowded into Kalis' small apartment. This time she goes for a more direct approach to getting everyone's attention.
Kalis: (with a megaphone) Everyone! Shut up!
Kalis, Kieran, and Xellos then remove their all-purpose earplugs. [All-Purpose Earplugs: Not just for annoying princesses anymore] They now have all's attention, however the entire group has gone temporarily deaf.
Kieran: Maybe that was too loud Kalis.
Xellos: Yeah, Kali-chan, you are a sadist, aren't you?
Kalis: Well .. maybe a little. ^_^ Looks like they are all getting their hearing back. (to the group) Alright minna-san, guess what ... we are going to do another play!
Minna: NO!!!
Kalis: Yes. We shall be preforming The Three Musketeers. And here's the casting list.
Athos -- Zelgadis Greywords
Porthos -- Lina Inverse
Aramis -- Gourry Gabriev
D'artagnan -- Xellos Metallium
Cardinal Richelieu -- Lei Magnus
Milady -- Amelia Wil Tesla Sailoon
The King -- Zelas Metallium
Lina & Zelas: We're guys!
Zelas: This is the second time you have done this to me. Friends are supposed to be nicer to eachother.
Kalis: Like I said last time, we are friends. There just aren't all that many female parts; and besides, I didn't want another speech about gender discrimination from Amelia. All casting positions are final; I am not changing names again. You will all be happy to know that I am not going to narrate this story.
Minna: Yeah!!
Kalis: I'm still the director though. Kieran here will be my narrator.
Kieran: You can count on me. I'll keep the story true to the script all the way through.
Lei: (sarcastically) Good luck. (to Kalis) Why do you keep resurrecting me for these stupid shows of yours? Do the words "Rest In Peace" mean nothing to to you?
Zelas: Oh, but Lei-sama, this time I will not let our time together go to waste.
Amelia: I'm not an evil person. Why are you making me play that evil character?
Kalis: At least I'm giving you a part. Maybe this way you won't keep barging in everywhere.
Amelia: At least this time I get to end up with Zelgadis.
Lina: Hold on! He's still my husband.
Kalis: I wouldn't count on that Amelia. Well Kieran, you ready? Let's get this show on the road. Places! Action!
Let's Begin!
Scene One: The countryside
Kieran: Our story begins in the lovely fields of central Europe. It is a calm, peaceful, perfect afternoon ... when a horse comes racing by.
Xellos: I've got to get to France. I'm going to become a Musketeer like my dad.
Kalis: Ooh Xellos, you look so hot in that costume.
Kieran: Do you mind? I'm trying to tell a story here. Why are we starting here anyway? Are we just going to watch D'artagnan ride all the way to France?
Kalis: (dream-like) I could. sigh
Kieran: Forget it. Either we move on to the next scene or I quit.
Kalis: Fine, fine, have it your way. Places for scene two! (mutters to self) Your supposed to be on my side.
Scene Two: The marketplace
Kalis: Okay Kieran, we have fast-fowarded to after D'artagnan has already gotten to France. Happy. Action!
Kieran: Upon reaching France, D'artagnan finds out that the Musketeers have been disbanded. All bummed over the news, he decides to do some shopping to cheer himself up ... wait a minute, who wrote that. Kalis?
Kalis: Don't look at me. I didn't write that .. Xellos?
Xellos: (doing the whole suspicious whistling thing) Who, me?
Kalis: Yes you Xellos. Why, it makes you sound gay.
Xellos: Oh, but look at what I bought for you. (holds up some very revealing lingerie)
Kalis: (blushing as red as Lina's hair) Ok-ay ... well Kieran, hurry this up.
Kieran: D'artagnan met up with Athos, Porthos, and Aramis and they uncover the plot by the Cardinal to over-throw the king of France and ...
Kalis: Slow down. We haven't even shown the scene with the Cardinal and Milady.
Kieran: Speed up, slow down. Make up your mind.
Scene Three: The Cardinal's room
Kieran: Cardinal Richelieu and Milady are having a meeting discussing the plans to over-throw the King of France.
Lei: Now, Milady, you will take this letter to -
Kalis: (whispering) psst, Lei, you are supposed to be getting a little fresh with her.
Lei: But I don't want to listen to her justice speaches.
Kalis: Do it! Amelia, you will stick to the script.
Kieran: After trying to fight off the Cardinal's attempts, Milady brings out a small dagger and points it .. a-at ... Kalis you can't be serious. That's horrible.
Kalis: Haven't you ever seen Disney's The Three Musketeers. This part had the best dialogue in the movie. So, I am .. uh .. borrowing it. Go on Lei.
Lei: With the snap of my fingers, I'll have back out on the street.
Amelia: And with the flick of my wrist, I can change your religion.
Kieran: Luckily Milady didn't flick her wrist and she left to carry out her mission. Meanwhile, D'artagnan was outside listening to the entire conversation. He ran off to the tavern that the remaining Musketeers were supposed to be at.
Amelia: (to the audience) Take this to the Duke, ha!, that's what they think. I'm going to take this directly to the King for that is the true way of justice! Then Zelgadis-san and Lina-san can get divorced and Zelgadis-san can marry me.
Scene Four: The tavern
Kieran: Athos, Porthos, and Aramis are celebrating/drowning their woes in some cheap spirits.
Lina: Now this is my kind of scene. You're paying for this right Kalis?
Kalis: I don't carry around that kind of money Lina. I'll pay for the drinks and that's it.
Lina: Well, I know Zel doesn't have any money. He spends all of his on books looking for a cure. What about you Xellos? O buddy, o pal.
Xellos: Um, Kali-chan, I don't think we can afford this scene.
Kalis: You're probably right. We'll move on to the next scene. Just give a summary of what's supposed to happen Kieran.
Kieran: Okay, well, let's see. While they were in the tavern, D'artagnan came in and told them all what he overheard the Cardinal and his envoy talking about. The four men (recieves glare from Lina .. along with a fireball) three men and the gorgeous woman dashed out the door to stop the envoy.
Kalis: Come on Lina, we have to get to our next scene.
Lina: Not until I get my hot wings. I already ordered them and I ain't leaving until I get them.
Zelgadis: Well see ya later Lina. I'll go take care of Amelia all by myself. I doubt that she'll try anything, knowing that I'm already married. By the way, do you have any Chapstick?
Lina: No way! I'm coming with you. (Lina picks up her husband and drags him out the door.)
Scene Five: The road to the Duke
Kieran: The small group is waiting on the road ready to ambush the envoy when she comes by. ... Any moment now, she'll come riding by. ...
Kalis: Where is that little b****!! I give her a part and she chooses not to show up. I can't believe she did -- Wait a minute, was I just censored up there?
Xellos: You sure were Kali-chan. There could be impressionable young minds reading this.
Zelgadis: I would sure hope not. With all the hidden messages she writes into eveything.
Kalis: What hidden messages? You just have your mind in the gutter Zel-kun.
Zelgadis: Your right. They're not hidden messages. You practically come right out and say it.
Kalis: I have no idea what you are talking about.
Lina: What about that present Xellos bought you in Scene Two?
Kalis: Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that. Hey Kieran where were we again?
Kieran: Still waiting for Little Miss Envoy to show up. .... .... ... You know, I don't think she's going to show up anytime soon, maybe we should leave.
Lina: Yeah, it is getting kinda late.
Kalis: Amelia is just, so, dead.
The cast starts walking back to the town, intent on finishing the play even if Amelia decides not to show up and play her part. As they were walking along the road, they see a young girl on a white horse up ahead.
Scene Six: The envoy is found
Kalis: D*** you, you f***** b****! We were waiting forever for you. Where the h*** have you been! And would somebody please stop it with the censorship.
Xellos: Remember the impressionable children.
Amelia: I cannot play this evil role. I have decided to do the just thing and bring this letter to the King so he will know about the evil plot and be able to stop the whole thing. For the fires of justice burn within me, I cannot side with the wicked forces of evil.
Kalis: Oh, shut the -- Would you kindly quit talking, please? Lets role with what we've got already. I don't feel like going all the way back out there and making her play the role correctly. Uhm, .. lets see .. (scribbles furiously and hands the paper to Kieran)
Kieran: Why did you hand me a piece of paper with a bunch of scribbles on it?
Kalis: Oh, wrong one. Here ya go. (hands him other paper)
Scene Seven: The palace
Kieran: The three musketeers and the wannabe escort Milady back to the royal palace so that she may deliver the message of the King's assination attempt. Upon arriving they move directly towards the King and hand him the note.
Zelas: (mumbling) ~ king ~ him ~ I'm a girl ~ (out loud) Oh why would the Cardinal wish to do this to me? I thought he cared about me.
Kalis: (through clenched teeth) Stay in character Zelas.
Gourry: We need to get you to a safe place your majesty.
Kieran: Just then the Cardinal and his soldiers come dashing in and a large swordfight ensues. Complete with flashy movie-type poses, and lots of jumping.
Zangulus: Aramis, I challange you!
Gourry: Oh, hey, Zangulus. Long time no see.
Zangulus: Shut up and fight.
Kalis: Isn't Zangy-kun adorable when he wants to fight. I wonder how he knew we were here.
Kieran: You know, he can always find Gourry when he wants to. All of the Cardinal's soldiers were defeated --
Zangulus: NO!! I will not be defeated by him again!
Kalis: Bomb Di Wind.
Zangulus: (flies off shouting) I'll beat you Gourry!!
Kieran: Now that all the Cardinal's men were defeated, the King had his musketeers arrest the Cardinal and he wasn't assassnated after all. And because of D'artagnan's bravery, he decides to grant his wish.
Zelas: D'artagnan, name whatever you want, and I shall grant it to you.
Xellos: I'm afraid what I want, you aren't able to grant to me my mistress.
Xellos grabs onto Kalis and the two dissappear.
Kieran: And they all lived happily ever after. The King did not die; the musketeers got to keep their jobs; and D'artagnan ran off with the writer. Meanwhile, I get to wrap everything up.
The End
Kieran: What does Kalis usually do around here?
Lina: She takes us all out to dinner.
Kalis: (walking in) I think not. Maybe if I was rich beyond imagination, then I would be able to afford your dinner bill. (to Kieran) This is the part where we make them all go home. So have fun, I'm leaving this up to you.
Kieran: Let's see, well .. now that the show is over, Lei Magnus is dead again.
Zelas: (whining) Why? Couldn't he have stayed a little longer?
Kalis: You know the rules. I'm not aloud to keep him alive for no reason.
Kieran: The rest of you can just go home now.
Amelia: Come on Zelgadis-san. Let's go home now.
Lina: Hold it. Where do you think you are going with my husband Amelia?
Amelia: I thought I would take him to the courthouse and get your marriage annuled. It wasn't right of Kalis to trick you guys into getting married.
Zelgadis: Well she did and now we just have to live with it. I can't think of anything wrong about being married to Lina. We don't need to get a divorce.
Lina: (sarcastic) I love you too, Zel.
Zelgadis: I didn't mean it like that. I was only saying --
Kalis: Okay lovebirds. Why don't you two go home. Amelia, they really do like eachother, so get it through you delusioned little head. Zel wouldn't marry you even if he were single. So now, get out!
Kieran: You seem to have everything under control. I'm going to bed now.
Kieran goes into his room and Kalis manages to get everyone else out of her apartment.
Kalis: Wow, that was a long day, I'm tired.
She walks into her room and gets ready for bed. When she lays down, she feels something warm and lumpy beneath her. Arms wrap around her and for all her struggling she is not able to pull away from them. Too tired to try any longer, she gives up and decides to go to sleep.